Follow Up

WOW - Thanks to EVERYONE who gave a response to my last post, either through the blog, through facebook, or over a phone conversation. It really REALLY helped me work through some things.

Here is what I learned:

My kids will be MY KIDS, not someone else's kids that I am taking care of. They will grow up in our little world, with our routines and comforts, and although they will be their own little people with their own ways, they will STILL be mine to raise as I see fit. I guess in my brain I get this image of raising a kid that is so different and so far removed from who I am that I won't feel attachment or relatability. Does that make sense? I guess what I'm trying to say is that you all made me realize that it just HAPPENS...this motherhood thing. And you just figure it out...naturally.

I hope that next time (I mean, month) :-) I am faced with this "opportunity", I will remember all of your wise words and just go for it. Pray for us, please, that God will show His face in the midst of this journey, more now than ever before.

HOLLA!

The Pros and Cons of Being a Mom

Obviously, the title of this blog post is something I cannot comment on, because I am not a mom. However, I am writing this as a request to all moms who read my blog, and all moms that they know.

I want to be a mom someday - I really do. But deep down in my gut, there is a ferocious fear that consumes me. The fear of the unknown and the fear of failure literally stop me in my tracks every month as I contemplate allowing my body to grow, well, another body. As much as I "ooh" and "aah" over other people's babies, and get teary-eyed over diaper rash commercials, I cannot cross over into the world of motherhood for myself.

I am always so admirable of those who embrace the thought of motherhood with gusto and bravery. I remember having a conversation with my friend Sylvia C. about having kids. When I expressed my nervousness (is that a word?) about taking care of a small child, her face lit up with anticipation, as if she had been waiting her whole life for the opportunity. I firmly believe this is why Sylvia is a mom, and I am not.

For those who are wondering (hi, Mandy!), this is where I am. No drugs, no shots, no doctor's appointments....just me and my gut and my heart and my brain, duking it out, every day. So, I need your help.

If you are a mom, I want you to be straight with me. Tell it like it is. Give me all of the details, good and bad, about what it's like to venture into this unknown land called MOTHERHOOD. And if you don't mind, pass the link to my blog onto others, so they can give their two cents as well. I don't know if this will help me or not, but I'm willing to conduct this little experiment anyway, just to see what happens.

Thanks for your help!!

HOLLA -

Bahama Memories

I'm posting this for two reasons: one, my SIL keeps bugging me about putting pictures up from our trip. :-) Two, I am so freaking depressed that it's so cold and cloudy here, and two weeks ago we were HERE:

So here's a little recap of some of my favorite moments from our random (but amazing) last-minute weekend getaway to the Bahamas.









There's a story to go along with each one of these photos, but it's late and I'm too pooped to explain it all. If inquiring minds want to know, I will be happy to elaborate.

For now, I hope you enjoy the sun and sand - we certainly did.

HOLLA -

Bees Knees

Do you like my new wallpaper? My name means "honey bee", you know. My favorite doctor in the world calls me "honey bee". I guess that makes going to the doctor a little more tolerable.

Today is Thursday. It's not quite Friday, but at least it's not Wednesday. Yesterday was junk. I really just wasn't feeling it. I came home from an "off" day at work, watched a little O.prah, had a PB&J, sat at our new table with Ben, went to see a funny movie, ate a brownie as a bedtime snack. Okay, maybe yesterday wasn't so bad.

Today will be better. Almost Friday. Almost "I get to wear jeans" day and "we get take-out for free at work" day and "let's go out and celebrate my cousin's 40th birthday" day.

Life as a bee is okay for me. :-)

HOLLA -

Death and Wisdom

Yesterday, we went to a funeral. Ben's cousin died suddenly of a brain aneurysm. She left a husband of five years and a beautiful daughter behind. She went to meet her mother and her young brother. A few days before that, Ben's uncle passed away. He had been sick for awhile. He went to meet his beautiful bride.

What does this mean for us? A two hour car ride back and forth in 24 hours gave Ben and me some time to think about it. His cousin's husband, Steve, hugged us tight after the funeral and said, "Promise me that you'll love each other every day like it is your last." "We do that already," Ben says, as we are driving home last night. We hold hands tightly and look each other in the eyes. I know this is true.

We say that, in these situations, it must be hard for people who don't truly love each other to understand what it's like when one loses their soul mate. We understand - we found each other.

For me, it means that there's no time to waiver when it comes to a life decision. "Do I take the trip?" Yes. "Do I make that phone call?" Yes. "Do I say what I need to say even though it hurts or it's hard?" Yes. "Do I let fear take hold of me when I can't see what's ahead?" No. (this one is my constant struggle, fyi.)

Life is short. We are living on borrowed time. This is not our home. Don't waste one single minute. I'm doing it for Debbie and Uncle Larry.

HOLLA -

Coming Soon...

New blog posts (lots of them)
Pictures from our trip
Narrative from our trip

But first....

Unpacking
Laundry
Posting grades online
Sleeping

Check back soon!!!

Back to Work!

Today was my first day back with the kids. I have to admit that I was glad vacation was over for me, and it was time to go back to work. Vacation is so deceiving sometimes. In my mind, I think,"Wow! I have all of this extra time to just sit around and do nothing! I can watch movies, sleep late, be a bum, not shower, and it'll be amazing!" But really, that doesn't happen. Sleeping late makes me mad, because half the day is gone. Sitting around the house just causes me to look at all of the things that need to be done - dishes, dusting, laundry, etc.

Now let me just clarify here that I am NOT complaining about getting two weeks off for Christmas. I am NOT. I'm just saying that it's not always what it's cracked up to be.

Yesterday, we had a work day. It felt so good to see friends and coworkers, catch up, and feel like I was acually accomplishing something. I got more done in five hours than I probably did my whole vacation. It just makes me realize how thankful I am to have a job that I love and am proud to do. THANK YOU JESUS!

On another, very happy note, I met our new neighbor tonight. She was walking her dog when I went to get the mail, and she introduced herself (and her dog, whose names starts with an R...shoot!). Anyway, she is lovely, and we got to talking about arts and crafts (my fave!) and we chatted about how she is an artist, and how my cousin (who lives next door to HER) is an artist, and how we should all get together and make some art (FUN!). I am SUPER excited about this new opportunity. BUT WAIT....

THE BEST PART IS....

WAIT FOR IT....

SHE TOOK OUR TABLE!!!!! Remember the table that we got rid of so we could have a place for our Christmas tree? OUR NEW NEIGHBOR TOOK IT!!! It was the ONE piece of furniture that she didn't have when she moved in.

THIS IS THE KIND OF SITUATION I WAS HOPING FOR!!!!

I just had to share this exciting news, because it fills my heart.

HOLLA!