When I announced to the world that we were FINALLY pregnant, the response I got from a lot of people was, "Well, you must have stopped thinking about it!" Or, "That's what happens when you stop thinking about it!" While this is SOMEWHAT true, I'd like to explain what I think really happened....
When Ben and I were "trying", and I was going to appointments, taking pills, having surgeries, getting shots, etc., etc., etc., it really felt like I was pushing my way through the process. I knew what outcome I wanted, and I really believed the only way to get there was to MAKE it happen. If I wasn't going to MAKE it happen, then how would it? My only thought was to act, and not sit idly by. I had done enough of that, and it wasn't working. So, pushing forward and doing as much as we possibly could seemed like the right choice.
We tried IUI (insemination) in November of 2009. When that didn't work, our specialist, Dr. Z., recommended that we take a break. In February or March of 2010, I would come back and we would try something else. More drugs, another insemination, and so on and so forth. The break was needed, and so we took one.
After a fantastic cruise to the Bahamas in January, it was time to start thinking about getting back on the horse. The only problem was, our baby debt was growing, and my soul was tired. Not only was I tired of throwing money at this infertility beast, I just felt that what we really needed to do was...nothing. No appointments, no drugs, no treatments. The pushing was exhausting, and I fell back into a place of surrender, tired and done.
This is the part that I want to be clear about. I did NOT stop thinking about having a baby. I didn't give up on the idea, or come to grips with the idea that it wasn't an option for us. I didn't occupy my thoughts with daisies and rainbows, and I didn't pretend that the desire had dissipated. I just let go.
I finally started listening to my spirit, which was telling me to, well, wait. All I knew was that waiting felt good, and pushing felt bad, so I started to wait. And while I was waiting, I started thinking about our life, with or without a baby. I knew that I didn't want to live my whole life feeling the void - the emptiness that comes from being childless. What if we never had kids? Was happiness still possible? I decided that no matter what, I would choose happiness over the void; peace over pressure.
I went to my annual appointment in July of this year, feeling peaceful. Unfortunately, I became quickly overwhelmed by the pregnant bellies and the babies and sadness and fear. I held back tears as my doctor talked to me about other (more expensive, not possible) options. He reminded me that, despite my endometriosis, pregnancy was still absolutely possible at any time. I listened and smiled, and when it was over, I couldn't wait to get out of there.
(I never said peace and surrender were easy.)
And then, it happened.
NOT because I wasn't thinking about it. As a matter of fact I was still thinking about it. A LOT. But it was different...though difficult, my view was changing. My outlook was shifting, and I was seeing my life through a different lens. From force, release. From strain, silence. From the fog, clarity. Arms folded became arms open wide.
I don't know whether it was a change of heart or divine intervention that led me to carry this precious blessing of a soccer player in my belly. (Most likely it was both.) But I do know that the lesson I learned through this process was more invaluable to me than all of the money we spent on progesterone pills and laparoscopies.
So, that's the story. I am STILL shocked, amazed, surprised, and thankful (and a little scared). And most importantly, I am being kicked in the gut by tiny little feet, right now as I type this.
GOD IS GOOD.
HOLLA -
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
Monday, December 20, 2010
Haskamp Family Christmas Tree
Last weekend, Ben and I braved the Kansas City cold and wind (it was nasty) to get our Christmas tree. Every year except for one that Ben has lived here, we have opted for a real tree instead of taking the route of a fine plastic one.
Unfortunately, our favorite Christmas tree farm here in town closed, due to some bug infestation killing their trees, so we had to find somewhere else to go. We got a flyer in the mail a few weeks ago advertising a tree farm, so we decided to drive over and check it out. It was in the back yard of someone's house, and the selection was much smaller than the old place, but we still managed to find a lovely tree to call our own.
Here was Ben's choice:
Unfortunately for Clark Griswold, this one wouldn't fit in our living room.
Walking through the trees. This cute little guy kept us company, although later we found out he was the neighbor's dog...
After hemming and hawing over two trees for about 10 minutes, we realized that one of them wasn't for sale. So, we chose this one:
Here's me, pretending I actually contributed manual labor to this project. It looks like I'm saluting, but I was really wiping all of the sweat from my brow.
Finally, we got the tree home, picked all of the dead needles off of the floor with our bare hands (no, this new tree place did not have a dead needle shaker-offer), and found the right place for it. Notice the absence of the nice pointy tree top and the beautiful tree topper. When Ben was setting the tree upright, he grabbed it by the very top, and snapped it right off. After we enjoyed some finger pointing, laughing, and shaking of our heads, Ben found a great alternative by throwing a Santa hat on top. Nobody (or no tree, for that matter) is perfect!!
There's nothing better than sitting in the living room in the evening with the lights from the tree glowing around the room. Our home is small, and our tree is not grand or fancy, but we are so blessed and filled with joy this Christmas season.
I hope that, no matter what kind of tree graces your home, it brings you peace and comfort on cold wintery nights.
HOLLA -
Unfortunately, our favorite Christmas tree farm here in town closed, due to some bug infestation killing their trees, so we had to find somewhere else to go. We got a flyer in the mail a few weeks ago advertising a tree farm, so we decided to drive over and check it out. It was in the back yard of someone's house, and the selection was much smaller than the old place, but we still managed to find a lovely tree to call our own.
Here was Ben's choice:
Unfortunately for Clark Griswold, this one wouldn't fit in our living room.
Walking through the trees. This cute little guy kept us company, although later we found out he was the neighbor's dog...
After hemming and hawing over two trees for about 10 minutes, we realized that one of them wasn't for sale. So, we chose this one:
Here's me, pretending I actually contributed manual labor to this project. It looks like I'm saluting, but I was really wiping all of the sweat from my brow.
Finally, we got the tree home, picked all of the dead needles off of the floor with our bare hands (no, this new tree place did not have a dead needle shaker-offer), and found the right place for it. Notice the absence of the nice pointy tree top and the beautiful tree topper. When Ben was setting the tree upright, he grabbed it by the very top, and snapped it right off. After we enjoyed some finger pointing, laughing, and shaking of our heads, Ben found a great alternative by throwing a Santa hat on top. Nobody (or no tree, for that matter) is perfect!!
There's nothing better than sitting in the living room in the evening with the lights from the tree glowing around the room. Our home is small, and our tree is not grand or fancy, but we are so blessed and filled with joy this Christmas season.
I hope that, no matter what kind of tree graces your home, it brings you peace and comfort on cold wintery nights.
HOLLA -
Pregnancy Report: Half Way There!
Now that I'm on Christmas vacation (Hallelujah!), I can catch up on some much-needed blogging! Boy, do I have a list - I hope you enjoy my blog vomit for the next few days. :-)
Last Saturday, I hit the half-way mark of my pregnancy...20 weeks. This is really unbelievable for me - it doesn't seem possible that I am now on the downward slope! Things have changed a lot in the past few months - my appetite, my throw-up routine (yes, I still have one), my belly, my perspective...here's the run down.
For starters, I can actually eat now. This is a good and a bad thing, as in the first few weeks my body had me on a VERY strict eating plan, which caused me to lose weight and only put things in my body that were infinitely good for my baby. Now, the rules have loosened up a bit, and I am gaining weight back as I enjoy food that I loved to eat before L.B. showed up. It's harder for me to make good choices now, since EVERYTHING sounds good, whether it's good for me or not. I am trying not to be too hard on myself, but still remember that when I eat McDonald's french fries, so does L.B. (I'm sure he likes them, but it's not too good for his/her waistline.)
If you see me in pictures or walking down the street, you can DEFINITELY tell there's a baby in there. No longer are people looking at me with a perplexed face, not knowing whether or not to ask me "the question". If they can't figure it out, then heaven help them, because my belly is OUT THERE. I LOVE really showing now, and even though I stare at my belly constantly in amazement, I also think about the 19 weeks I have left, and how much I still have to GROW. This could be interesting, folks...I see lots of stretch mark lotion in my future. :-)
L.B. has now taken up permanent residence in my uterus as an athlete, because throughout the day, he/she is now doing jumping jacks, flips, jabs, and punches to let me know he/she's in there (in case I forgot). The movements have quickly gone from a very subtle wave or flutter to a judo chop in about two weeks. In the past few days, this activity has switched from a right-before-bed activity to a few-hours-before-bed-and-when-I-get-into-bed activity to "Hey Mom! You're awake! Do you want to feel the new karate moves I've been working on?" activity. I would give anything to see what is actually going on in there. Are they fists that are punching me? Legs that are kicking me? A head butt to the pelvis? Lord only knows, but it just happens to be the coolest thing that I have ever experienced. EVER.
Unfortunately, I am still paying a visit to the porcelain gods about once a day, in the morning. This doesn't happen every day (like today - so far, so good!), but usually, I can expect a barf when brushing my teeth, if my breakfast isn't filling enough, or if I wait too long to eat. When people find out that I am still barfing, they feel SOOOO bad for me. But let me tell you, what I am experiencing now in this department is a CAKE WALK compared to how badly I was getting sick about two months ago. I'll take it!
I guess that's it for now - I have a feeling that, after Christmas, this baby-growing business is going to kick into overdrive, and before we know it, L.B. will be here in our arms, and our lives will never be the same. There's so much to do - clean out the spare bedroom, which involves a LOT of packing and storing, find a day care, register for gifts, have some showers, take parenting classes, ultrasounds, more appointments, figure out insurance, and the list goes on.
Please pray for us as we continue on this wonderful journey that amazes us every day! In conclusion, here are some belly shots from the beginning of December. This isn't even accurate anymore - L.B. has since grown even bigger.
More pics to come...
HOLIDAY HOLLA!
Last Saturday, I hit the half-way mark of my pregnancy...20 weeks. This is really unbelievable for me - it doesn't seem possible that I am now on the downward slope! Things have changed a lot in the past few months - my appetite, my throw-up routine (yes, I still have one), my belly, my perspective...here's the run down.
For starters, I can actually eat now. This is a good and a bad thing, as in the first few weeks my body had me on a VERY strict eating plan, which caused me to lose weight and only put things in my body that were infinitely good for my baby. Now, the rules have loosened up a bit, and I am gaining weight back as I enjoy food that I loved to eat before L.B. showed up. It's harder for me to make good choices now, since EVERYTHING sounds good, whether it's good for me or not. I am trying not to be too hard on myself, but still remember that when I eat McDonald's french fries, so does L.B. (I'm sure he likes them, but it's not too good for his/her waistline.)
If you see me in pictures or walking down the street, you can DEFINITELY tell there's a baby in there. No longer are people looking at me with a perplexed face, not knowing whether or not to ask me "the question". If they can't figure it out, then heaven help them, because my belly is OUT THERE. I LOVE really showing now, and even though I stare at my belly constantly in amazement, I also think about the 19 weeks I have left, and how much I still have to GROW. This could be interesting, folks...I see lots of stretch mark lotion in my future. :-)
L.B. has now taken up permanent residence in my uterus as an athlete, because throughout the day, he/she is now doing jumping jacks, flips, jabs, and punches to let me know he/she's in there (in case I forgot). The movements have quickly gone from a very subtle wave or flutter to a judo chop in about two weeks. In the past few days, this activity has switched from a right-before-bed activity to a few-hours-before-bed-and-when-I-get-into-bed activity to "Hey Mom! You're awake! Do you want to feel the new karate moves I've been working on?" activity. I would give anything to see what is actually going on in there. Are they fists that are punching me? Legs that are kicking me? A head butt to the pelvis? Lord only knows, but it just happens to be the coolest thing that I have ever experienced. EVER.
Unfortunately, I am still paying a visit to the porcelain gods about once a day, in the morning. This doesn't happen every day (like today - so far, so good!), but usually, I can expect a barf when brushing my teeth, if my breakfast isn't filling enough, or if I wait too long to eat. When people find out that I am still barfing, they feel SOOOO bad for me. But let me tell you, what I am experiencing now in this department is a CAKE WALK compared to how badly I was getting sick about two months ago. I'll take it!
I guess that's it for now - I have a feeling that, after Christmas, this baby-growing business is going to kick into overdrive, and before we know it, L.B. will be here in our arms, and our lives will never be the same. There's so much to do - clean out the spare bedroom, which involves a LOT of packing and storing, find a day care, register for gifts, have some showers, take parenting classes, ultrasounds, more appointments, figure out insurance, and the list goes on.
Please pray for us as we continue on this wonderful journey that amazes us every day! In conclusion, here are some belly shots from the beginning of December. This isn't even accurate anymore - L.B. has since grown even bigger.
More pics to come...
HOLIDAY HOLLA!
Thursday, December 9, 2010
Games! Games! Games!
Oh, how I love to play games. I love board games. Puzzle games. Video games...in moderation. Acting games, singing games, make you fall over laughing games, silly games, tough games...I love 'em.
Lately, as a brain break, I have been exploring this super fun website. There are always some oldies but goodies on here, but in the past few days, I have found two of the BEST games EVER!!! I can't wait until I get a chance to play them!
BUBBLE FILL!
FILL ZONE!
In the hustle and bustle of this Christmas season, take a few minutes and have some FUN. If you don't like these games, I'm sure you will find SOMETHING on this site to entertain you!
HOLLA -
Lately, as a brain break, I have been exploring this super fun website. There are always some oldies but goodies on here, but in the past few days, I have found two of the BEST games EVER!!! I can't wait until I get a chance to play them!
BUBBLE FILL!
FILL ZONE!
In the hustle and bustle of this Christmas season, take a few minutes and have some FUN. If you don't like these games, I'm sure you will find SOMETHING on this site to entertain you!
HOLLA -
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