Kurt

I had a dream about Kurt the other night. I haven't dreamt about him in a long time. At first, I was at his grandparent's house, which really wasn't his grandparent's house, but it was in my dream. Kurt wasn't there, but I chatted with his family for a while. Then I was suddenly at some other house, that had the same yard as the house where I grew up, but the inside was different. It was Kurt's house and I was looking for him, but he wasn't there, either. Then all of the sudden, I realized he was outside mowing grass. So I went out there to see him. We had a nice chat, and then we went inside to talk some more.

Let me tell you about the dreams I have about Kurt since he died. In my dreams, he doesn't die from cancer. He has cancer, but he beats it. But, we are not together - Ben and I are. These dreams started out really scary. As in, Kurt didn't know Ben and I were together, and I had to either go back to Kurt and leave Ben, or try to tell Kurt that Ben and I were now together. Awful. Terrible. Imagine your worst nightmare, and that's what it was. I used to have these dreams in sequences, pretty close together, and then I wouldn't have one for months, or even years. Each time, Kurt's level of knowing would be different, but most of the time, he wasn't happy about it.

(I know this is not really true, because Kurt told Ben he wanted us to be together, after he died. I will save that story for another post.)

This dream - the dream I had the other night - was different. He was still alive, and he knew Ben and I were together, but he was okay with it. We talked about his job and what he had been up to, and it was really nice. I stood there and watched him visit with his neighbor, thinking about how his voice sounded better (I still barely remember his voice, and when I try to hear it, only remember the whisper) and how he was dressed nicely (as usual). We didn't talk about the baby, but I'm pretty sure I was pregnant in the dream and that he knew it.

At the end, he picked me up and swung me around. That's really the last thing I remember. I woke up feeling so sad...not because I felt bad about the dream, but because it made me miss him. A lot.

I was thinking about the dream this morning as I was getting ready for work, and then I realized that yesterday, when I dreamt it, was the day that he died. Seven years ago. Exactly.

Maybe it was him just popping in on this really big event that is about to happen to us. Maybe it was his way of letting me know that he is watching over us. I don't think I consciously provoked dreaming about him, because I didn't even realize it was the anniversary of his death. Anyway, it was nice to see him, and also sad. And I hate feeling sad about him being gone, but that's all part of the deal.

Third Trimester Update

TOP TEN THINGS I TRY TO ACCOMPLISH EACH DAY IN MY THIRD TRIMESTER:

1)get out of bed...at all, much less on time
2)waddle to the potty every 30 minutes, whether I really have to go or not
3)try not to eat everything that isn't nailed down
4)protect my unborn from learning every cuss word that flies out of my mouth at other cars while I'm driving
5)keep my consumation of Tums at a non-toxic level
6)find a comfortable position/pillow/bed/couch to sleep on
7)try not to kill Ben
8)keep from dropping/breaking/spilling stuff
9)educate small children when I really want to be taking a nap at my desk
10)go all day without crying

As you can tell, every day is a lot of work right now. As far as the baby goes, this kid is movin' and groovin'. Kicks have turned to rolls and pushes...there usually isn't a day that goes by that I don't feel a foot pressing out of my side or a knee roll across my stomach. I love love LOVE this part. THIS is the part I always dreamt about, and wondered what it was like. L.B. gets hiccups about every day too - sometimes twice a day. The first few times I felt this insanely rhythmic sensation, I freaked out a little bit - I mean, I know my kid is going to be a virtuoso, but...practicing a steady beat already???? Then my good friend Google told me that I was experiencing hiccups. Since then, it has been a complete and total hoot to watch and feel this phenomenon going on in my stomach.

Having a baby that moves, punches, and hiccups also means having a baby that hangs out in weird places in kooky positions and makes it very interesting to stand, walk, sit, or find a comfortable spot for very long. Some days, I have a little bread loaf baby that curls up in one spot, right on top of my gut. Some days, I have a butt baby that sticks its rear end out, just long enough for me to give it a good little pat. Some days I have a baby that likes to twist its head right into my bladder, causing all kinds of things to happen, including the feeling that if I don't get my a$$ to the bathroom, I am going to pee my elastic pants.

My butt bone is crazy sore, I'm just getting fatter, I have no emotional control, I'm so tired I can't see straight, and I am scared out of my mind to be in charge of this little wonder.

And once again, I CAN'T WAIT.

HOLLA -

Maternity Photos

Last weekend, while she was here co-throwing me a baby shower, Abby Libsack, one of my best friends from college, took some maternity pictures of me. She is a stay-at-home mom who also has a budding photography business on the side. You can check out her work here.


So here are some of my favorite shots from the photo shoot. It is so hard to pick just a few because they are all AMAZING!!! I'm so glad I will have these pictures to forever document my first pregnancy.

WARNING: I am a little naked in one of these pictures. Look at your own risk.

:-)

Conversations with my Baby Daddy

(Setting: Ben and I are sitting at the kitchen table with my mom after my mom and I had been out shopping all day.)

BEN: Let's go for a walk tonight.

ME: Are you kidding? I am soooo tired. And my butt bone is sore from walking around all day.

BEN: Oh, come on. You can do it.

ME: Okay, here's what I want you to do. Bend over, and I'll go get a hammer. Then I'll smack you right in the butt with it. Then we'll see if YOU want to go for a walk.

__________________________________________________________________________________

(Setting: This morning. Ben is making breakfast. I am sitting at the kitchen table working on my baby shower scrapbook. Ben tries to get sympathy for something, and I tell him that when he is carrying around a giant bowling ball in his stomach, he can talk to me. He groans...quietly.)

ME: Tell me what is frustrating about being the dad in this situation.

BEN: I'm not frustrated.

ME: Oh, come on. You can tell me. This is your chance! Get it all off of your chest. What really sucks about this situation for you?

BEN: Nothing, really.

ME: Okay, what bothers you more...that you have to do everything around here, or that you don't get to participate in bonding with this baby right now?

BEN: I wish I could feel the baby move like you do, but I'll be really glad when I don't have to do all of the cleaning anymore. I'm tired of doing all of the cleaning.

ME: (pause) Crap.

___________________________________________________________________________________

(Setting: About five minutes ago. I am sitting here at the computer, and Ben is doing laundry.)

ME: Could you please go and get me some Sonic ice?

BEN: Sure...do you want to go with me?

ME: Nope.

BEN: Okay. I'll be right back.

ME: If you get a drink, I'd like one too.

BEN: I thought you wanted ice.

ME: I DO want ice. But if YOU get yourself a drink while you're there, then I would like one too.

BEN: So do you not want ice?

ME: No, I want you to bring home a bag of ice, and also a drink. But only if you get one too.

BEN: Okay, I'll get in our gold-plated car and go to Sonic.

ME: Really?! THEN GET SOME MONEY OUT OF MY WALLET!!!!!

BEN: (laughing) What do you want?

ME: A Dr. Pepper, please.

BEN: Have you had any caffeine today?

ME: Nope.

BEN: (In a very serious, helpless voice) I'm afraid if I go to Sonic, I'll get ice cream.

ME: (thinking) Who's the pregnant one here?

Duh!

I can't believe I forgot one of the most important things about my parents:

They made sure we got braces. I had some MESSED UP teeth!!!

:-)

Mes Parents

Boy, do I love these folks. They are the bread to my butter, the chocolate to my strawberries. (Sorry - my pregnant brain can only conjure up food analogies.) I don't know what I would ever do without them.

Since Ben and I are on the cusp of becoming parents ourselves, I have been thinking a lot about what makes my parents so special, and what they did when my brother and I were growing up that I will definitely try to model for my kids. Here are just a few of the things that made (and still make!) my parents great:

1. They played with us. It didn't matter if they were tired, busy, or just plain didn't feel like it, they would play with us. My dad loved to wrestle us. And tickle. His tickles are paralyzing - don't ever get caught being tickled by him, I'm telling you. Instant paralysis. My mom would play games, or she would let us mix up a bunch of stuff and make a giant mess in the kitchen. When I would play "teacher" in the basement (which was like, every day), I would walk my "class" upstairs to the "lunch lady" (my mom), and "drop them off". She took good care of them, too - wouldn't you know they were all done with their lunch and lined up when I came back to get them? Amazing, I tell you.

2. They taught us to love music. In the car, at church, in the basement on the top-of-the-line stereo that my Dad could never live without, in the kitchen,
etc. etc. etc. Some of my favorite Saturday morning memories involve waking up and going into the kitchen where my mom was either cleaning or making something, and she would always have the radio on, playing some sweet '70's or '80's adult contemporary hits. I still hear some of those songs and am instantly transported back to that yellow kitchen with the sweet green carpeting. Music was everywhere, always. I can't WAIT to share this with my kids.

3. They didn't spoil us. They loved us, and they helped us, but they didn't clean up our life messes for us. What a valuable lesson....if we stumbled, they were there for us, but we were on our own to get back up and dust ourselves off. Enter the wide world of Problem-Solving, which I am well-equipped and thankful for, due to Loren and Linda's School of Tough Love.

4. They taught us about God. This should have been #1 on my list! I hope it is #1 in our house. We practically LIVED at church growing up, singing praise songs, going to Sunday School, taking youth group trips when we were older, going to missions classes, and so much more. My foundation of faith started at the very beginning, and for this I am most thankful. The best gift I can give to L.B. will be the knowledge of Jesus's power, grace, and love. When I think about where the blessing of new life comes from, both for me and for my child, I fall to my knees and give thanks to the Giver of all good things (and my parents, for opening the door)!!!

5. They made growing up FUN. We may not have jet-setted off to exotic locations, or spent lots of nights in fancy hotels eating expensive meals, but dang, we had a great childhood! Like I mentioned earlier, we played the BEST games, and we took the BEST trips, even if they were to all of the state parks of Missouri in our pop-up camper. No matter what, we made the BEST memories. When I think about making life special as a parent, I will remember that it's the LITTLE things that mean the most, and being together and sharing experiences with joy and love is what really matters.

6. They were affectionate in front of us. Ben and I never wonder why loving each other is so stinkin' easy - we had the best parent models to show us how! I always pretended to be grossed out when my parents would kiss each other or smack each other on the butt, but now I love that they were like that in front of us. I KNEW that they loved each other, because I saw them show it every day. It wasn't a mystery to me what a happy, healthy couple looked like. And now, it's certainly not a mystery how to BE one part of a happy, healthy couple! I'm sure our kids will holler and stick their tongues out and hide their eyes when Ben and I kiss and hug in front of them, but later, they'll be grateful for the exposure. :-)

7. They let us be who we WERE. Yes, they pushed us to do and be our best, but they never forced us into anything that we didn't want to do or be. We were supported and guided to be successful with a safety net of love. Because of this, my brother and I both have successful careers that we enjoy greatly. Mine involves getting paid to sing and dance and play games all day, and his involves getting paid to sit in a recliner and watch movies and play video games. Oh, and save lives. :-) Not bad for two middle-class kids from the 'burbs!

This list could go on and on, but I wanted to put into words some really great things I hope to pass on to this little nugget in my belly, and any future nuggets to come. Thanks, Mom and Dad, for who you are and what you did for us.

May the singing, dancing, playing, supporting, loving, laughing, praising, and God-honoring be carried from your house to ours!

HOLLA -