I had a dream about Kurt the other night. I haven't dreamt about him in a long time. At first, I was at his grandparent's house, which really wasn't his grandparent's house, but it was in my dream. Kurt wasn't there, but I chatted with his family for a while. Then I was suddenly at some other house, that had the same yard as the house where I grew up, but the inside was different. It was Kurt's house and I was looking for him, but he wasn't there, either. Then all of the sudden, I realized he was outside mowing grass. So I went out there to see him. We had a nice chat, and then we went inside to talk some more.
Let me tell you about the dreams I have about Kurt since he died. In my dreams, he doesn't die from cancer. He has cancer, but he beats it. But, we are not together - Ben and I are. These dreams started out really scary. As in, Kurt didn't know Ben and I were together, and I had to either go back to Kurt and leave Ben, or try to tell Kurt that Ben and I were now together. Awful. Terrible. Imagine your worst nightmare, and that's what it was. I used to have these dreams in sequences, pretty close together, and then I wouldn't have one for months, or even years. Each time, Kurt's level of knowing would be different, but most of the time, he wasn't happy about it.
(I know this is not really true, because Kurt told Ben he wanted us to be together, after he died. I will save that story for another post.)
This dream - the dream I had the other night - was different. He was still alive, and he knew Ben and I were together, but he was okay with it. We talked about his job and what he had been up to, and it was really nice. I stood there and watched him visit with his neighbor, thinking about how his voice sounded better (I still barely remember his voice, and when I try to hear it, only remember the whisper) and how he was dressed nicely (as usual). We didn't talk about the baby, but I'm pretty sure I was pregnant in the dream and that he knew it.
At the end, he picked me up and swung me around. That's really the last thing I remember. I woke up feeling so sad...not because I felt bad about the dream, but because it made me miss him. A lot.
I was thinking about the dream this morning as I was getting ready for work, and then I realized that yesterday, when I dreamt it, was the day that he died. Seven years ago. Exactly.
Maybe it was him just popping in on this really big event that is about to happen to us. Maybe it was his way of letting me know that he is watching over us. I don't think I consciously provoked dreaming about him, because I didn't even realize it was the anniversary of his death. Anyway, it was nice to see him, and also sad. And I hate feeling sad about him being gone, but that's all part of the deal.
8 comments:
Memories are what make him never go away. I can't believe it's been 7 years. It's hard to listen to anything off of Busted Stuff and not think of him jamming right next to me. Love you guys.
Hey missy.. I was reading you blog this morning cause I couldn't sleep and well I thought I would share with my dream I had two nights ago.. So in my dream I had just got back into town from basic training and ait, and I had a call from my dad who was at shamrock golf course off 291 south and told me to come up.. and when I got there sitting in a cart was Kurt and dad.. they were laughing and joking and having a good time and enjoying each others company.. so we started palying and every shot both dad and Kurt shot they made hole in ones.. and when we got to the 5 the hole I asked my dad why they kept getting holes in ones and he told me well son, when you get into heaven everything becomes effortless and you can do nething you want.. and so I asked him how often do him and Kurt play golf and he said to me EVERYDAY.. and that's about the time I woke up! But I just thought you should know that
I cried a little reading this post. I also miss Kurt and had thought about him recently. I came across emails he and I had sent back and forth when he was planning to surprise you with a visit to Nashville to see Soren and I. I cannot believe it was seven years ago that he passed. XO-Maria
Ryan - I cried all the way to school today after reading your post - but they were HAPPY TEARS! Just picturing your dad and Kurt feeling well and playing golf and having a blast makes me SO HAPPY. Thank you SO MUCH for sharing that dream with me!!!!! I hope it makes you happy too. :-)
Missy, as I read your blog I remembered talking to you about your dream on Wednesday morning and telling you I was sure you knew why you dreamt it. It was the anniversary and Kurt's death and I thought you realized that, too. I love that we think the "boys" are in heaven playing golf together - thank you for that, Ryan - Dad always says he pictures Uncle Don playing golf all day on a beautiful day like today. I loved Kurt and I love Ben. More than anything, I love you and Ben TOGETHER...and I love you more than words can express...and I can't wait to meet our Haskamp baby...Love, Mom
Wow I don't know what to say. Thank you both for sharing that. I love thinking of both of them doing that. Missy I am so glad that Kurt was happy for you and gave you his blessing. Ryan I have dreams all the time that we are at a family gathering and I see your dad and am so happy he is there.
HI Missy, I am home from work after this crazy week. I was on fb and saw these posts (and naturally I inquired). I don't know all of your story, but I do know that I think you are an amazing person....you are a huge part of this family I have been welcomed into this year. It has been a hard year for me, being away from my girls 5 days/week, but I love teaching and love this school and when I hear your voice of Fridays at chapel, I can't imagine ever leaving! Thank you for that because it has been a struggle for me. I truly believe that everything happens for a reason and St. Paul's is part of the plan for me! I can't wait for my girls to have you next year! They are so lucky! And I can't wait for your baby to arrive and for you to feel the joy of motherhood! Have a great weekend! Sara
OK so I'm pretty sure that at this years Martens family reunion I'm gonna have a hard time dealing with dad not being there... neone else feeling the same way?
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