Thinking About It...

When I announced to the world that we were FINALLY pregnant, the response I got from a lot of people was, "Well, you must have stopped thinking about it!" Or, "That's what happens when you stop thinking about it!" While this is SOMEWHAT true, I'd like to explain what I think really happened....

When Ben and I were "trying", and I was going to appointments, taking pills, having surgeries, getting shots, etc., etc., etc., it really felt like I was pushing my way through the process. I knew what outcome I wanted, and I really believed the only way to get there was to MAKE it happen. If I wasn't going to MAKE it happen, then how would it? My only thought was to act, and not sit idly by. I had done enough of that, and it wasn't working. So, pushing forward and doing as much as we possibly could seemed like the right choice.

We tried IUI (insemination) in November of 2009. When that didn't work, our specialist, Dr. Z., recommended that we take a break. In February or March of 2010, I would come back and we would try something else. More drugs, another insemination, and so on and so forth. The break was needed, and so we took one.

After a fantastic cruise to the Bahamas in January, it was time to start thinking about getting back on the horse. The only problem was, our baby debt was growing, and my soul was tired. Not only was I tired of throwing money at this infertility beast, I just felt that what we really needed to do was...nothing. No appointments, no drugs, no treatments. The pushing was exhausting, and I fell back into a place of surrender, tired and done.

This is the part that I want to be clear about. I did NOT stop thinking about having a baby. I didn't give up on the idea, or come to grips with the idea that it wasn't an option for us. I didn't occupy my thoughts with daisies and rainbows, and I didn't pretend that the desire had dissipated. I just let go.

I finally started listening to my spirit, which was telling me to, well, wait. All I knew was that waiting felt good, and pushing felt bad, so I started to wait. And while I was waiting, I started thinking about our life, with or without a baby. I knew that I didn't want to live my whole life feeling the void - the emptiness that comes from being childless. What if we never had kids? Was happiness still possible? I decided that no matter what, I would choose happiness over the void; peace over pressure.

I went to my annual appointment in July of this year, feeling peaceful. Unfortunately, I became quickly overwhelmed by the pregnant bellies and the babies and sadness and fear. I held back tears as my doctor talked to me about other (more expensive, not possible) options. He reminded me that, despite my endometriosis, pregnancy was still absolutely possible at any time. I listened and smiled, and when it was over, I couldn't wait to get out of there.

(I never said peace and surrender were easy.)

And then, it happened.

NOT because I wasn't thinking about it. As a matter of fact I was still thinking about it. A LOT. But it was different...though difficult, my view was changing. My outlook was shifting, and I was seeing my life through a different lens. From force, release. From strain, silence. From the fog, clarity. Arms folded became arms open wide.

I don't know whether it was a change of heart or divine intervention that led me to carry this precious blessing of a soccer player in my belly. (Most likely it was both.) But I do know that the lesson I learned through this process was more invaluable to me than all of the money we spent on progesterone pills and laparoscopies.

So, that's the story. I am STILL shocked, amazed, surprised, and thankful (and a little scared). And most importantly, I am being kicked in the gut by tiny little feet, right now as I type this.

GOD IS GOOD.

HOLLA -