Marriage is Hard - an Offering

I see some young girls around the school where I work who are prepping for their weddings.  They post pictures of parties and talk of honeymoons and dream out loud of the blessed lives ahead of them.

And I think it is wonderful.

I think about being in that place, so in love and having no troubles, just the stress of what movie to watch on Friday night and where to go to on the next weekend excursion.  Long mornings in bed and long talks after dark are the stuff of young love, and it is good.

And then there is us.

And we are getting older, and we are parents.  And all of that young love stuff has morphed into something new that is made of the same stuff, yet is sometimes unrecognizable.

We have come to a place where marriage is hard work, when what we were for a long time was no work at all.  Now, we get up and I am cranky because Ben's snoring and noises have kept me up through the night.  He smiles and says "Good morning!" as I shoot him the stink eye while brushing my teeth in the bathroom mirror.  We share a quick kiss and it's off to work, Ben dropping Amelia off at daycare on the way.

In the evening, I bring Amelia into the house as I throw open the cabinets looking for something quick to make for dinner while she and I dance around and "Can I hold you?" and "Listen to Hey Ho?" as much as we possibly can.  Ben comes in the door about 20 minutes later and I silently breathe a sigh of relief as they play and I cook.  We eat, play, string toys all over the house, dance, take a bath, read books, pick up toys, color, put on jammies, and sing our goodnight song before putting Millie to bed between 8:30 and 9.

Ben, Millie, our niece Ellie, and nephew Aiden

After that, it's time to squeeze whatever t.v. show/movie/sporting event/chore/house project/load of laundry/phone call we can in before bedtime.  It's usually me going to bed early as Ben stays up late, unwinding from his busy day at work.

And then we do it all over again.

And we can do this for days, and even weeks, before something starts to stink.  And the stink is bad, and it makes us angry.  Okay, it makes me angry.  It would take a lot more than a little stink to make Ben angry, but that's why we're so good together.

When I get angry, I get snarky and mean.  And I say stuff that hurts, and I know it hurts, and I know it's not worth it and it doesn't matter, but I am trying to send a message.  And the message is this:

I don't feel connected to you right now.  I miss us.  Where are we?  I need to see you.  What is going on with us?  How did we get to this place?   I need you to hear me.  I feel lost in our life.  I want us back.  

And so me being mean picks a fight, which is what I want.  And Ben retreats, because he doesn't believe in meanness.  And I attack, because I want to see him fight.  And the ugly stink can stay around for hours, for as long as we let it.  And over our new, half-empty home it hangs there, weighing us down and sitting on our shoulders.

And this is the pivotal point.  Because I believe that marriages can get lost here and never recover.  If I don't stop and remember...remember...who he is and who I am and who we are and why we are here, then we could get very lost.  But inside of me, when I stop and think, bigger than the anger and the pride and frustration comes this love just shooting out of my gut, and I see him and I feel it and it breaks everything down and I can see us again and I see that all of this stuff has piled up on top of us and we can't breathe anymore.  And I think that if I ever lost him I would die and how good it feels to be in his arms and hold his hand and look in his eyes and laugh together and talk about life and raise our daughter and he is the most wonderful man I've ever known and that black fleece jacket that made me fall in love in the first place.

Oh, here we are.

I don't deserve him, and he doesn't deserve the jabs at the dinner table and the stink eye at the sink.  But this sh*t is hard, people.  It's a choice every day to see what we want to see.  And so I will keep working on seeing only the good and letting go of the not-so-good, because Lord knows I have got enough of that business in my own bag.

So, past the invitations and the cutting of the cake and the thank-you notes and the honeymoon sun tan comes the real stuff.  And that is the test of who can come out swinging together or who throws in the towel.

And many times, even after I type this, there will be another chance to either say something rude and hurtful, or take a minute and understand all of the good that is us, even when it is so, so hard.  And I promise to Ben and to God and to all who read this, I am all in.  For good.

HOLLA -

What Happens on Snow Days...

...is that we get a little crazy with Photo Booth on our new computer.  (Please excuse the messy bed behind us.)  This is our guest room, which is very purple, as you can see.  It is #2 on our list of rooms that still need to be painted, after our Emerald City bedroom.  

And then when Grandma Linda stops by, things get even weirder.  (Yep, the bed wasn't made on this day, either.  Embarrassing, but not embarrassing enough NOT to show you these funny pictures.)

HOLLA - 

Our New House

Hello?

Is anyone there?

Are you still reading?  Folks, it's been three months since I've blogged.  THREE MONTHS!  I just tried to log on and FORGOT MY PASSWORD, it's been so long.  We moved, and things just got well....crazy.

As soon as we got here, our computer fritzed out.  It wouldn't even load up.  Ben had to take the hard drive out and transfer everything over because the computer was DEAD.  Done.  Because of all of the chaos of moving, it took us several weeks to get a new computer, and by then, I was so used to not having one that I didn't even use it.  And, it's a Mac.  And I don't speak Mac language. (I'm slowly learning.)

Then, our house got broken into, about three weeks after moving in.  WELCOME TO THE NEIGHBORHOOD, right?  We don't know if we left a door unlocked on the side of our garage or if some hoodlum kids had a key (there was one broken off in the lock).  Either way, they got into our garage, turned on a light, moved some stuff around (there's A LOT of stuff in there) and stole Ben's mountain bike, his golf clubs, a tool set, and a cordless drill.  Thanks to our friend and neighbor Colby, we got Ben's bike back, but the rest, so far, is history.

So, instead of excitedly sharing our new place with you (are you still out there?), I stalled in a computer-less, robbed state and got stuck there.

I have also been hesitant to share pictures with you because our house is NO WHERE NEAR ready to show you.  The only room we have painted is Millie's room, which looks fabulous, by the way.  (Pictures to come soon.)  It's the closest room to being done, for sure.  Right now, we are tearing out the basement and rebuilding part of it to make a storage room, an office/craft room, and a play room for Amelia.  Until we get that huge project finished, everything else is on hold.  I haven't even hung a picture up yet because all of the photos and frames and decorating stuff is in the basement.  Under a tarp.

But I've missed blogging, and I can't take it anymore.  So here are some pics to tide you over (If you're still out there!).  There is much more to share, but for now...

HOLLA -

Happy Thanksgiving!

Today, we went to my Aunt Nancy's.  It was wonderful.  Eating delicious food, feeding hens, playing Racko, listening to stories from my mom's childhood, catching up with cousins, sharing hugs and warmth and laughter and love.  

Tomorrow, Ben and I will spend a day to ourselves, going to the movies, enjoying a meal just for the two of us, shopping for furniture for our new house, taking a break from all of the moving chaos.  

Tonight, I will get in my car and drive to Shoe Carnival and wait in line until midnight in hopes to fight the masses and snag some boots I've been wanting for months that are ridiculously on sale.

Saturday, we will drive to Glasgow, celebrate Ben's sister's birthday, and prep for Thanksgiving #2 on Sunday.

I AM THANKFUL.

HOLLA - 

Finally...Our New House

So, I've been wanting to show you our new house. I wrote a draft for a blog I wanted to post several weeks ago, about how we always knew in our hearts that this was going to be our house, and we had total peace about it, and if you just listen to what God is telling you to do, you will also have peace.

 Oy, oy oy.

 Let's just say that that peace I had turned into stressful desperation. After the whole house inspection, there was quite a laundry list of things that needed fixing. See this blog for more details. Since the seller didn't come down as much as we would have liked her to on the price, we were feeling uneasy about all of the money that we would eventually spend fixing all of the things that needed fixing. And who knew what kind of underground network those termites were busy building. Our spirits were very low.

 Ben was thinking that renting a place for a few months might be a good idea. I was thinking about crying. I was not ready to let go of the house. Even though it had a lot of faults because of normal wear and tear, and a little because of owner neglect (although I'm not judging - who knows this lady's story), it still felt like OUR house to me. And deep down, I knew there was no other place in town that was more right for us than this house.

 We had another, more thorough termite inspection, and the guy who did it said that, although we had quite a healthy colony, they had not done any structural damage (yet) that he could tell. With correct treatment and upkeep, the house would be in great shape to buy. ...And that was the peace of mind we needed to move forward. So here we are, less than two weeks before closing, house full of boxes and piles of stuff to pack. Ben has been working so hard making arrangements to switch utilities, send the mortgage company the paperwork they need, get signatures, etc. He deserves an award for all of this leg work. And I am paralyzed.

All of our things are just staring me in the face going, "Are you going to pack me up or what?!?!" I am trying to do a little each day, but I end up spending most of my time sitting on the couch going, "Only (x) more days here." "Only (x) more drives to work from here." "This is Millie and my last Monday off together here." (I said that today.) And I just try to wrap my head around it. That we actually sold this fricking place. That we are REALLY moving. That I will be leaving the place that Kurt and I bought together 10 years ago. That we are finally getting a bigger house that will fulfill so many of our wishes. That we will have room for parties and get-togethers and holidays and maybe another baby (down the road)!!!

 So, although the last few weeks have been absolute hell and have given us more stress-induced headaches than anyone deserves in a lifetime, I do have peace. Now. And even when we weren't sure what was going to happen, and if this all would go through, I kept my eyes and ears and heart and soul open to all possibilities, and knew that God would lead us in the right direction. And it all worked out in the end. (Although I better not speak too soon before closing.) :-)

 So, do you want to see a picture of our new house? Do ya? Do ya?????

HOLLA - 

How to Lose Your Toddler

New House Update

We had our inspection on Monday.

Let's just say the peace we were previously experiencing about our new house has drastically dwindled.

There are termites.  Several places.  In the water heater closet.  In the sump pump closet.  In the fence.  Under the deck.  Yowzers.

There is radon gas at dangerously high levels.  Easy fix, I guess.  The seller's tab is getting higher.

There were many other little problems that come with a 22-year-old house that Ben can slowly fix.  But this termite thing is really throwing us for a loop.

The thing is that you can't really get in to see how much damage termites have caused unless you start ripping stuff up.  And we can't do that, because it's not our house.

Our realtor's broker suggested that we get a structural engineer in there to take a good look and see if he can identify any damage.  We hope this will give us some peace of mind.

But, we are not paying for a structural engineer to come, so the seller will have to agree to pay for it.  She is a nurse.  In Connecticut.  Who knows if she even has power, let alone the graciousness to pay for this structural inspection.

The worst stress comes from the fact that we don't have a plan B.  We don't have a rental lined up.  Not many places rent month-to-month.  There are no other houses in our area that we are interested in buying.  We can stay at my parents for free, thank you, God.  But getting Millie to daycare everyday from there and Ben and me to work would be a little tricky.

We are waiting for Ben to talk to the engineer to see if he will even be able to tell us more than the termite inspector.  If he thinks he can, and the seller agrees to pay for it, then he will inspect the house on Sunday.

I just.  Want.  To.  Barf.

I feel like God has put this house in our path because it is OUR house.  I feel that way every time I go in it.  But all of these problems are giving us serious doubts.

We are steadfastly praying for peace and direction.

(Grumble grumble grumble.)

HOLLA -