The Boob Chronicles: A Recollection

As we are packing up the mounds of crap that is our stuff, I am finding things from when Millie was a baby.  (BTW, I still can't get used to saying that she is not a baby anymore.  Maybe never will.)  I had all of my breast pump stuff in a storage bin, and reorganized it and put it in a box for storage.  As I packed it away, I took myself back to the time when I was pumping multiple times a day, storing milk, icing my boobs, and wishing it would all go away.

I almost thought breastfeeding wasn't going to happen for Amelia and me, especially after the terrible start that we had.  But, after a few months, I really found my groove with it.  The biggest kicker of the whole thing was how hard I (I mean WE!) had to work to make it happen.  A few months ago, my pastor blogged about the satisfaction one feels after working really hard at something.  I mistook his words to mean that one feels better after something bad happens and then it is over.  But I understood the next day when he restated that it wasn't when something bad happened, but when one really put everything they had into something, like building a house or landscaping a yard or...figuring out how to breastfeed a baby.  After putting work and energy into something big and meaningful, it feels so good to stand back and see what has been accomplished.  It WAS so hard to breastfeed, but Millie and I did the dance until we got it right, and getting it right felt AWESOME.

Of course, that was about the time that I had to go back to school.  "Don't supplement formula when you go back to work," said the wise lactation consultant at the hospital.  "If you try to get your body to only produce milk during certain times of the day before your baby is six months old, your body will shut down and your milk will dry up."  And right she was.  It didn't help that I refused to pump more than once at school, so my supply went way down.  That was the compromise - I was not willing to give up my plan time/break time/lunch to sit at my desk and pump.  And thus began the journey to Formula land.

If we have another baby, will I breastfeed again?  I hope so.  And for longer that time.  I guess it depends on  the time of year and how much time I will have off for maternity leave.  Another spring baby would be nice - I hope to plan it that way next time.  HA!  :-)  I crack myself up.

Now we are on to bigger and better things, as you can see.  No boobs, no formula, just plates and cups and forks and spoons and...as a segue...a really bad haircut.  Nice job I did, huh?  She looks like Jim Carrey in Dumb and Dumber.  It's grown out a lot since I took this so it doesn't look as bad.  Word of advice - do NOT assume you know how to cut your baby's hair from watching a YouTube video.  You DON'T.

So now you know how it ended (the breastfeeding) and how I feel about it after it is all said and done. (Accomplished.)  (And ready to do it again.)  (After we move.)



HOLLA -  

SUMMER and DestructoBaby

Today is officially my first day of summer break.  (Don't you like our new magnets?  Ben's dad gave them to Millie this weekend when we were in Glasgow.  Ben says he thinks they were theirs (his and his siblings') growing up.  FUN!)

Yesterday was our last work day at school, and we all went home exhausted and elated.  We also toasted with champagne and got a cash gift at the end-of-the-year party. Have I ever told you how awesome it is to work at a private school?  Well, I just did.

So far, this break is weird.  Last year at the start of summer, I was still on my maternity leave, so I didn't get to experience the end-of-the-year-start-of-the-summer transition, really.  This was my first time to go from teacher to stay-at-home mom.  I can't say that I fully feel relaxed about it, but that could be because we are now preparing for a big fishing trip in two days, and trying to keep DestructoBaby from terrorizing our house.

Amelia, our now 13 month old, has decided that it is developmentally appropriate for her to grab whatever she can reach and throw it, slam it, or eat it.  Case in point, the magnets.

They make quite a funny sound, sliding all the way down the fridge and bouncing off of the linoleum.  My BabyCenter Toddler update said this is just what would happen at this exact stage in her life, and thank the Lord for that website because it at least gives me a little peace of mind (as I am rapidly losing it).  No longer is she safe in a baby-proofed room.  HA!  The only room that I would consider baby-proofed for Millie is a padded one.  Yowzahs - it is exhausting chasing her around and making sure she's not getting into mischief.  She loves to go to the mailbox and will reach for the key when we ask her to go.  As soon as we get back and spill the mail all over the floor, the first thing she wants to do is eat it.  I don't know how many times I've told her that we don't eat paper.  Maybe in a few years she'll understand what I'm saying and actually stop eating it.

I am so excited about being home, but also a little nervous.  There's still a voice in my head that says I can't hack it as a mom.  This morning, as I was wrestling Amelia to the ground to get a piece of food from the dirty floor out of her mouth, she bonked her head and started wailing.  And then I had to keep from wailing, because the voice started talking and said, "Look what you did!  You can't do this.  You can't take care of her and keep her safe...you just hurt your baby!"  And I just had to tell that voice to go shove it, and pray to God that He gives me the strength to hold it together for the sake of my beautiful child.  It's not natural for me, people...this mom thing...not like teaching.  This summer is going to be great, but I've got to take the bumps in stride and know that I'm doing a good enough job.  (Sigh.)

This school year was great.  Better than great.  FANTASTIC.  I was so worried about how I was going to handle all of my classes and my nine (yes I do NINE!) music programs.  Before Amelia, I spent so much time after school and on Mondays (because I don't work on Mondays) working on school stuff.  How was I going to get all of that stuff done in the three and a half days that I was working?  You know what, though?  I did it.  And I didn't just barely make it through.  I fricking rocked it.  Every program was amazeballs.  Yes, I'll admit...there were a few classes (okay, a lot of classes) that got the shaft during one of my crappy lessons.  But I really did a great job of holding it together and getting done what I needed to during the day.  I left around 3:45 every day to go pick up Mills, and didn't panic too many times because of all I had left to do.  I simplified, and more importantly, I streamlined and became more efficient.  That is definitely the key...to every part of life when one is a parent, I am convinced.

Yay! for school being out, Yay!  for another great year at school, Yay! for DestructoBaby, and Yay! for our big family trip in t minus 2 days.  (I don't even know what "t minus" means.)


HOLLA -

Last Day of School

Yesterday was the last day of school, and it couldn't have come soon enough.

I am ready to be at home with my baby (who's not a baby anymore).  She is growing up so fast and I cannot contain my excitement for all of the fun this summer will bring.

Last night I went out with a gaggle of co-workers (almost the entire faculty) to celebrate our last day.  (We like to party.)  We sat in the shade with free appetizers and cold drinks and congratulated each other on a fantastic school year.  I work with some amazing people, a few of which I consider my best friends.  Others I am just getting to know, and the more I spend time with them the more I realize how awesome they are.  I am a lucky girl/teacher/friend.

We are  going to Glasgow this weekend.  I haven't been since Christmas.  I'd say our visit is overdue.  Have I told you about the guest bed at Papa Norman's?  The one that's laced with sedatives? Or the Tuscan Turkey sandwich at the bakery that's like a little heaven on a plate?  Oh yes.  Here.

Next weekend my entire immediate family, plus my sis-in-law's family, leaves for Bennett Spring near Lebanon.  We anticipate this trip like a child waits under the covers counting sheep on Christmas Eve.  It's all we can talk about.  Almost an entire week soaking in the love that is our family.  God has blessed us with these relationships that I am so thankful for.
Fishing+Family+Eating+Playing+Fishing+Swimming+Laughing+Singing+Hiking+More Fishing= JOY.  (Right, Sister?)

We are getting our house DANGEROUSLY close to being ready to sell.  It is making Ben and me a little giddy.  And anxious.  Will post pictures soon.

Summer, oh summer.  How I love your three months of lazy days in the sun.  God knew what he was doing when he made me a teacher.


HOLLA -

To My Mom

Today is Mother's Day.  Happy Mother's Day to Linda Martens, my mom.  I am so blessed to have had her in my life for almost 32 years, and I hope to have her in my life for at least that many more.

My mom is kind, smart, thoughtful, selfless, funny, and fun!  She loves her family more than anyone I know, and she loves, loves, loves being around people.  She grew up north of the river (anyone from KC knows what that means) and still lives and works there.  You can't go anywhere with my mom without her running into someone she knows.  (This is a running joke in our family.  Now my brother has started to catch the virus.)  It's not just because she's always lived and worked in the same area - it's because she's so friendly to everyone she meets. She's just a happy person.  Except when you make her mad.

There have been many times that I have disappointed my mom in my lifetime.  We have had some doozies, for sure.  Let's just start with the teenage years and work all the way up to about two years after I graduated from college.  I could tell you some stories, but the statute of limitations isn't even up on most of them, so I'll hold back.  There have been times that I felt very distant from my mom, and times that I have felt very, very close to her.

The three times that brought us closest together were my husband's death in 2004, my second wedding in 2007, and the birth of my daughter in 2011.  Sure, moms are there through the monotonous times of life, but it's the real highs and lows that have made me realize how much I need, have needed, and will always need my mom.

I've never been the kind of person to be really chummy and sentimental with my mom - she will be the first to tell you that.  I've always had a circle of friends held tightly around me that provided a safe and protective barrier.  But as I grow older and experience highs and lows, and more highs and more lows, I realize how I really can't live a day without her.

My mom still razzes me about all of the times she would call me in when I was at college, just to check on me, and it would be days or even weeks before I would return her phone call.  She would worry so much, and I was just having the time of my life!  I always tell her she should be glad I was doing so well instead of calling her every five minutes because I needed something or was having a miserable time.  Now, it's ME who calls her all the time, wondering if I'm bothering her!  I love just calling her to chat about daily life, even if it's nothing important.  I'm always disappointed when I call her to small talk and she's not around.  Funny how the tables have turned, isn't it?  :-)

When I was younger and still at home, my mom (and dad!) did such an amazing job raising my brother and me.  I rarely remember her falling short of any of the typical mom duties.  We were always fed, dressed, educated, socialized, spiritualized, loved, and happy.  That doesn't mean she didn't make some mistakes - she'll be the first to tell you that, too.  But I never knew very many of them.  I rarely saw my mom show weakness or make a mistake in my childhood.  I have to say that her seeming so perfect to me must account for my type-A personality and my inability to be less than perfect or to admit that I have made a mistake in any way.  (Thanks, Mom.)

Although it was great to have a mom who seemed to never make mistakes, I do wish she would have let us see that side of her more often, just to teach us that we didn't have to be perfect, and it was okay to admit that she didn't always have the answer or know what to do.  I know she will laugh when she reads this, because she will say she made plenty of mistakes in front of us!  Again, though, I sure don't remember very many.

As I raise my own daughter, I want to teach her that our entire lives are lessons, and God is molding and shaping us every day, even on the day we die.  I want her to know that I don't have things figured out, and although I will try hard to do my best every day, I will always make mistakes, and it's okay for her to make mistakes, too.  I love being a life-long learner, and I want to teach Amelia how to be one, too.  We are never done, never finished...never as educated and worldly as we think we are.

                                                             (Nice squishy face, Amelia.)

Mom, I love you so much.  You have taught me how to live and love, in work and in play.  You have given me maturity, knowledge, self-respect, and humility.  I owe so much of who I am today and the success I have had to your guidance.  If I can raise Amelia half as well as you raised me, I will have succeeded.

Thank you for loving me, being there for me in all times, supporting me, and encouraging me, whether it was with homework, a boyfriend, an audition, a graduation, a death, a disappointment, or a crying infant.  I cannot imagine my life without you....

You are the wind beneath my wings.

HOLLA -

Vertigo

This week was going to be awesome.  Wednesday, we were going to have a faculty meeting.  I love faculty meetings.  (Does that make me sick?)  On Thursday, I was going to a baby shower.  It was going to be the first baby shower where I could sit there and give advice to the mom-to-be.  "I use these all of the time...Amelia just LOVES them!"  Oh, how I wanted to say that.

Then I got stupid vertigo.

I woke up on Tuesday morning to check on Amelia, who was crying, and I almost fell over.  I had to get on my hands and knees to balance myself.  I was okay enough to get up and walk to her room and come back to bed.  Then, when I woke up at 6:30, before I even lifted my head off of the pillow, I opened my eyes to see the ceiling spin over and over again.  I sat straight up and said to Ben "Something's WRONG with me!!!"

One urgent care visit, one primary care visit, and two half days of school missed later, I don't have many answers.  But I still have a swimmy head.  No nausea, no blurry vision, just the feeling that I just got off of a spinny ride or a big boat on rocky waves.  The worst part is that I don't feel bad otherwise, and no doctor has been able to figure out why I have vertigo.  But it isn't gone.  Goo.

Tomorrow, I have a full day at work concluded by a big wedding rehearsal and dinner for a dear friend.  It's not so much that I want to get better as much as I NEED to get better.  I HAVE to get better.

Saturday is the wedding, and Sunday is Mother's Day.  Lord knows what a celebration day that will be, so this vertigo GOT TO GO, yo!

Please pray that my vertigo takes a hike.  I really don't feel like myself, and that makes me not as good of a teacher, wife, mother, friend, and singer.

VERTIGO BE GONE!

HOLLA -

Karmin

Have you seen these people?  Ben and I saw them a few months ago on SNL.

I didn't get it, and was kind of annoyed by the lead singer.  But then I kept hearing the song on the radio, and the more I heard it, the more I liked it.  So I Googled them.

The girl is from Seward, Nebraska, and the guy is from somewhere in Maine.  They met at the Berklee College of Music in Boston, and now they are engaged.  And in this group together.

As I Googled them, I found all of these covers that they have done like, in their living room.  It is amazeballs.  It totally reminds me of getting together with my college friends 12 years ago (yowzas) and just jamming out for hours.  Except we never made it on SNL.

I hadn't heard of this song before, but when I heard this girl rap it, I about peed myself.

It's not so much that I like the song as much as how impressed I am with how long she must have practiced to do this without messing up.  It's just really freaking amazing that the human voice (and brain) is capable of this kind of music making.  Now they're not annoying.  They are incredible.

Check out their other videos- there are gazillions.  And let this be your lesson for the day - hard work melded together with gifts and talents creates magic and energy that cannot be contained.  I wouldn't trade my gift of music for any other talent in the world.  IN THE WORLD.

I'm guessing these folks wouldn't trade theirs, either.

HOLLA -

Happy Birthday, Amelia!

Amelia's first birthday was on April 21st.  It was a beautiful day full of friends and family and a car wreck.  My parents were in an accident about two hours before the party started, but they were unharmed and everything turned out okay!  My cake, which slid all over my lap all the way to my parents' house, turned out amazing.  I've never been so proud of a homemade baked good.  Amelia got through all of her present opening despite missing her morning nap, and she even managed to dig fists into her smash cake, made lovingly by my mom.  Boy, oh boy, did that girl get a lot of clothes.  She will have a new outfit to wear every day for weeks, I'm sure.  What was that again about only wanting boys?  I don't even remember thinking that.  :-)  Happy First Birthday, my sweet girl.  Mama loves you sooooo much.

HOLLA -