FOOD FOOD FOOD

It's been awhile since I've posted. I've had plenty of things to talk about, but for some reason they've been holed up inside, as if protected by a warm fuzzy blanket that is my skin. Lots of contemplation, wonderment, daydreaming. I certainly like to share things that are on my mind, but lately I've wanted to just keep them to myself.

However, I've some free time today, so I'm going to post about a love/hate relationship I am having. With FOOD.

Boy, do I looooove food. I know everyone pretty much enjoys food, but I live for it! Sometimes I wake up just thinking about what I'm going to eat that day. Wierd, I know. I get excited when there's a meal coming up that I REALLY like, and if I know I'm not going to eat something I REALLY like, I'll probably be disappointed.

I know our bodies were not meant to function this way. Eat for survival, not for pleasure. However, my brain has been trained otherwise, and I certainly eat for pleasure much more than survival.

I've never been particularly overweight, but I've never been at my "ideal" weight for very long, either. Always 5 or 10 pounds over the norm. The good news is that whenever I even remotely try, I can usually bounce back to that target weight in no time. The bad news is, I rarely try.

So here I am, looking ahead to the scary months of summer when I'll squeeze my fat butt into a swimsuit that doesn't fit, only to yell at myself and get angry about what a lazy glutton I've been. After I get over it and feel better, I'll reward myself with some ice cream or a big fat Pepsi. See my problem?

I also have this wierd proportion thing with food. Whenever I eat, I have to have EQUAL PARTS of each food on my plate or at the end of the meal I freak out. There has to be one bite of everything on my plate at the very end, or else I get irritated. I once watched in horror as a friend of mine inhaled an ENTIRE order of french fries without even TOUCHING his burger. "WHAT ARE YOU DOING!?!?!?!" I screamed. He apparently didn't share my "equal parts" philosophy.

The sad thing is, even if I wanted to be a good, healthy eater, I really don't know how. My kitchen table growing up consisted of meat and potato meals, heavy with some kind of bread and a boat-load of gravy. This is what I grew up on; this is why I am the woman I am today!!! We ate large portions and were encouraged to clean our plates.

Now, I am in NO WAY blaming my family for my bad habits. I am old and wise enough to make my own choices, but it's REALLY HARD when all you know is meat and potatoes, and that's all that tastes good to you.

So the point of this is, I read this book and decided I needed to keep a food journal. I am writing down everything I eat until further notice, and I am hoping that it will help me realize how unhealthy my meals usually are.

I'm also trying to wean myself off of caffeine. I don't drink coffee, but I'm pretty sure I keep the Pepsi-Cola company in business most of the time. I've decided going cold turkey isn't a good idea (aren't I nice to myself???), so this week it's one a day, if I feel like drinking one at all. Next week I'll go to one every other day, and maybe then just one a week.

I'm confident at this point, but it's only Monday. We'll see how strong I am in a couple of weeks!

Anyway, just wanted to share my struggle, as putting it out there into cyberspace might just be the accountability I need.

HOLLA -