Fear and Love

Before I got pregnant, I always said that the pregnancy part would be soooooo easy - I would just sit around and incubate, and wait for this perfect little person to appear nine months later. How tough can it be? That baby is just in there cooking, and I would be as happy as a clam, knowing that my body was taking care of EVERYTHING.

It was the PARENTING (not the childbirth) that scared me. What happened when that baby came out and I was suddenly responsible for it? How would I handle the crying and the late-night feedings? How would I be able to set my own wants and desires and responsibilities aside to care for another human being? What if I didn't do a good job? What if they didn't WANT me as their mother? What if I suddenly realized that motherhood was not for ME????

I'm here to tell you, the tides have turned.


First of all, let me say that I thank God every day for being pregnant. There is nothing that I wanted more than to experience the growth of life inside me. Sometimes I just sit and cry (okay, more like sob) in thanksgiving and humility to the Giver of this blessing. My heart aches with appreciation for this gift that we have received. If I spent every day, all day, on my knees thanking God for this miracle we have been praying for for soooooo long, it would never be enough.

But pregnancy is stinkin' hard.

I can't poop. I can't sleep. I can't eat what I REALLY want, and I'm hungry. ALL THE TIME. I go to bed each night with a growling stomach that will eventually lead to my stomach revolting against me in the morning. My first trimester morning sickness has turned into second trimester morning sickness. I get leg cramps in the middle of the night because I can no longer lay on my back, which I'm now realizing was my primary sleeping position BEFORE I got pregnant. I am crabby and grouchy, and suddenly have no filter for what comes out of my mouth. It's rare if I don't spout out some bitchy comment to someone at work at least ONCE a day. I have had puke experiences that would make the worst diaper explosion look like a sweet dream. I am not even kidding you - I can't even write about it on here because reliving them is too unbearable.

And yet...

I cannot WAIT to hold this baby. Just thinking about him or her actually BEING here, in my arms, for me to hold and love and stare at, is the most exciting feeling I have ever felt in my life. I cannot WAIT to be a mom. The best part is, I actually BELIEVE I can do it now, and that I will actually do a good job! Each day that my belly grows, so does my confidence. Slowly, the fear that consumed me is being replaced by this indescribable love for the child that is growing inside me. I'm starting to feel this invincible sort of power that I am guessing only moms can experience.

I'm not saying it won't be hard, but I know that, no matter what happens, I can handle it.

So pregnancy, I will endure you. I won't let you take me down, because I know what is waiting for me, and it is worth every restless night, fit of indigestion, and upset stomach.

And baby, hang on, because we are in for the ride of our lives.

I CAN'T WAIT.

HOLLA -