Entering the Gates

On Saturday, my uncle Don died. He had been sick for years, and really sick for several months. He had a genetic disease that my grandpa also had, and also died from. Don was my dad's baby brother, the youngest of four kids. Here he is with my Aunt Laureen and cousin Ryan at my wedding.



There are many things I will always remember about my uncle Don. I will remember going out to his house when they lived in Olathe, and getting Pepsi out of a vending machine in their basement. (He worked for Pepsi, by the way.) I will remember Christmases in their living room, sitting by the fire and looking up at the skylights, which I thought was so cool, since we had neither a fireplace nor skylights. I will remember his voice and his way of expressing great emotion, when he thought something was either really great or really not great. I will remember the joy that he brought my dad when he and my dad and my uncle Gene would get together, and cause some sort of loud mischief. I will remember many, many KU games watched in someone's basement, with more laughter, more joy, more merriment.

At his funeral on Tuesday, the chaplain spoke about what my uncle must have been experiencing at that moment, going back to Jesus, the One who created him. I was thinking about his life, and how I don't really know what kind of spiritual journey he had been on, and how he felt about leaving here. I'd like to say that he was at peace with going, and that he was anticipating with great joy his reunion with God.

The truth is, I don't know the answer to any of that.

What the chaplain spoke about is how happy God was that Don was coming home, and how he was being welcomed with open arms. While this filled me with great joy, it also made me wonder how God does greet those of us who are in great stride with Him, those of us who have wandered, and those of us who have heard His call and turned away.

What amazes me, and baffles me, to be honest, is that God loves us just as much when we return as when He first made us, and nothing that happens here and nothing that we ever do here can change that. All of the baggage, all of the bad choices, all of the mistakes...He knows it all and understands it all. Even after 30 years of life, that is still so incomprehensible to me!

I think the reason why I have trouble believing that God accepts all of us is because I still don't think I'm acceptable. And if I'm not acceptable, then how is anybody else? To me, this is the reason why we judge others. In the face of judgement, we quickly point the finger to direct attention at someone else who has surely outdone us in the "guilty" department.

And why do we do this? We make fun because we're afraid of being made fun of. We joke because we would rather point the finger and laugh than be laughed at. We criticize because we fear the criticism. We abandon because we're afraid of abandonment. We exclude because we're afraid we don't belong.

But this is not the way God works! We are all welcome, and there is room for all of us at the table. There's room for my uncle Don, and me, and everyone else, no matter who we are or what kinds of experiences we have gone through here.

So here is what lesson I learned: Don't run from the arms of God. Don't spend your life feeling like you're not good enough, or you don't belong. Nothing surprises God, and nothing can separate us from His love. Ever. I think one of the worst things we could do would be to live our whole lives feeling, for whatever reason, like we aren't worthy of His love and acceptance. Hiding in the shadows, covering the wounds. He loves us so much, and is just waiting for us to turn to Him and run like children into His welcoming arms!

What joy! What peace! What RELIEF.

I can just picture my uncle Don walking with God, with no physical or emotional pain, basking in the light of His grace. I picture him laughing and dancing without the weight of life that held him down here. And I can hear God saying to him, "It's okay. I have always loved you, and I never left you, even on the darkest days."

The good news is, we don't have to wait until we get to Heaven to hear God's voice and to experience this GRACE. It's here for us now! I don't want to wait. I want to break the chains now, and feel weightless in the arms of God. And when I do, I can welcome others to do the same.

This is my new goal...my new assignment.

And I do it for Uncle Don.

HOLLA -