Last Day

Today is my last day of maternity leave. I have been off of work for nearly four months, and it is coming to an end. I was going to go to school today and take Amelia to daycare. There is SO much to do in my classroom, and I have hardly started. I also wanted to go on Friday, but I just stayed home and played with my baby instead.

I have a feeling that today is headed in the same direction.

I am nervous about our morning routine. Right now, Amelia wakes up at 6:00 on the dot most mornings, and I feed her and play with her, and then her daddy takes her while he is getting ready for work, so I can have a few more minutes of sleep. Then he leaves at about 7:45, and we play for another few minutes, I feed her again, and then she goes down for her morning nap (and usually, so do I).

Tomorrow I have to leave the house by 7:00 in order to get to school on time for my 7:45 meeting.

I worry about how tired I will be at work. I'm afraid that some kid is going to smart off to me in class and I will be so irritable and exhausted that I will haul off and whack him/her. I worry that I will be so tired at the end of the day that I won't have much energy left to come home and play with Amelia. And I worry that wonderful, magical things will happen at daycare...and I will miss them.

Friends say that daycare doesn't get terrible until you drop your baby off, and they are old enough to run to the door crying and yelling your name as you pull out of the driveway because they don't want you to leave them. Luckily, we've got a few months before that happens.

I have to admit that I am more excited than most kids would be to get back to school. I am like the little girl with the new backpack and the fresh crayons and the shiny lunchbox, sitting by the door, waiting for the bus. Tomorrow morning, at 7:45, I will be sitting by my buddies, with my notepad and pen in hand, on the edge of my seat waiting to hear what all will be happening this year at school. I will go to my classroom and flip on the light, and spend hours rearranging instruments, creating seating charts, and thinking up some new and dynamic lesson plans. At lunchtime, I will enjoy conversations with colleagues about summertime and family vacations and who got what student in their class this year. Teaching is in my blood, and working at a school is in my bones. It is where I belong.

But still, there's Amelia...



...and my heart is breaking.