So Thankful

Today, I am thankful.

Yesterday, we went to the grocery store with a list, a budget, and a calculator. Normally, we just go and throw stuff in our cart, but things are different now that we are paying for Amelia to go to daycare, and my paychecks are still getting docked from my maternity leave. Even so, we got everything we needed and have plenty of food to eat.

I am so thankful.

Last night, I got to talk to my three nieces on the phone. One of them is now in the fourth grade, and talked busily about how she is reading a new book and earlier that day, had read another book and how she hopes this boy in her class doesn't come to school because she sits behind the computer and can't see and would like to have his seat. Then I talked to my middle niece who has just started kindergarten, who talked about chicken patty day and how it's her favorite and "why DOES Uncle Ben play with toys? He IS a grown-up, anyway!" and in P.E. they play with hula hoops until the teacher rings the bell and then it's time to SIT DOWN. And finally, I talked to my youngest niece who told me her p.j.'s were red (when later I saw a picture proving that they were in fact yellow) and asked me what color my window was and when I said "clear" she said with a sigh, "I love that color" and when we were talking about something completely different she told me that she didn't like "that trash can smell".

I am so thankful.

Today, I went to my reproductive endocrinologist's office to pay off our outstanding bill, and got to show Amelia off to him and to the receptionist. It was so weird being back at that office because the last time we were there, Amelia was just a blip on a screen, and now she is FOUR MONTHS OLD. I stood there and waited amongst four other women who I assume were there for infertility issues. And there I was with my little pink miracle.

I am so thankful.

HOLLA -

First Week

Holy cow, I am just now getting the chance to sit down and blog about this crazy, momentous week. I would love to elaborate, but my cute little ticking time bomb is playing in her play gym, and I have no idea how long she'll be satisfied, so here's the short version:

School is great. Great to be back. Great to see friends. Great to be back in my classroom, plugging away. It's so hard to get my brain to focus on school though, as I am still so tired, and having trouble switching easily from mom to teacher. I am nervous about having lesson plans, materials, and program prep ready for each week when at the end of the day, I just want to leave and go get Amelia. And when I have time to work on stuff AT work, I just can't get in the groove. I am thinking (and hoping) that this will get better over time.

Daycare is good. The night before we took her for the first time this week, I think I slept a total of three hours. I just kept laying there thinking that I wasn't going to get up in time to feed her and get myself ready for work. I didn't know when she would wake up and when she would be ready to eat. There were just too many unknowns to relax, and so I didn't. And neither did she. And neither did Ben. She woke up that night at 2:30 to eat, and I just fed her and cried. And when she woke up the next morning, I picked her up and held her and cried. But when I went to work I was fine.

Ben, on the other hand, had to drop her off at daycare. As much as he anticipated it "not being a big deal", he really struggled. As he left her, he kept turning around to look at her, and she was just staring at him like, "Daddy, where are you going? Why are you leaving me?" Waaaaay hard. He told me that if I had dropped her off, I would have never made it to work. Yikes.

So, so far so good. Our daycare lady is great - she writes us a note everyday telling us exactly what they did, and it sounds like Amelia is really enjoying it. There are other kids there that LOVE to entertain her...so much so that she probably comes home, looks at us now and thinks, "This is it? BORING!"

It is still hard to think about her being with someone else all day. I don't like that when I pick her up, she smells like our daycare lady. I don't like thinking about her playing toys and games without me, even though those were the things that I kind of got tired of doing this summer. If she is going to play toys, dangit, I want it to be with me!!!

I am also having trouble with dividing my time. There have been several times where I have had to choose between picking up Amelia, or doing something else, like going to a faculty party or having lunch with a friend. Either way, I feel bad about what I don't choose, and I am quickly realizing that this is how it will be the rest of my life. I don't want to let Amelia down, but I don't want to let other people down, either. This week, I chose the faculty party and lunch with a friend, and Amelia was just fine. One day Ben picked her up, and another day I picked her up, just a little bit later. Unfortunately, that was the only day this week that daycare did not go well because she was so gassy and fussy.
From a glass of wine I drank the night before.
At the faculty party.

At the end of the week, I am exhausted and emotionally spent. Yesterday I cried several times out of sheer frustration and lack of sleep. But the weekend comes with a welcome respite, and Ben is home, and we are all together, and there are extra smiles and hugs and pancakes and movies and piles of laundry folded and naps taken and blogs caught up...and I can breathe again.

And in a few days, we will start all over. :-)

HOLLA -

Last Day

Today is my last day of maternity leave. I have been off of work for nearly four months, and it is coming to an end. I was going to go to school today and take Amelia to daycare. There is SO much to do in my classroom, and I have hardly started. I also wanted to go on Friday, but I just stayed home and played with my baby instead.

I have a feeling that today is headed in the same direction.

I am nervous about our morning routine. Right now, Amelia wakes up at 6:00 on the dot most mornings, and I feed her and play with her, and then her daddy takes her while he is getting ready for work, so I can have a few more minutes of sleep. Then he leaves at about 7:45, and we play for another few minutes, I feed her again, and then she goes down for her morning nap (and usually, so do I).

Tomorrow I have to leave the house by 7:00 in order to get to school on time for my 7:45 meeting.

I worry about how tired I will be at work. I'm afraid that some kid is going to smart off to me in class and I will be so irritable and exhausted that I will haul off and whack him/her. I worry that I will be so tired at the end of the day that I won't have much energy left to come home and play with Amelia. And I worry that wonderful, magical things will happen at daycare...and I will miss them.

Friends say that daycare doesn't get terrible until you drop your baby off, and they are old enough to run to the door crying and yelling your name as you pull out of the driveway because they don't want you to leave them. Luckily, we've got a few months before that happens.

I have to admit that I am more excited than most kids would be to get back to school. I am like the little girl with the new backpack and the fresh crayons and the shiny lunchbox, sitting by the door, waiting for the bus. Tomorrow morning, at 7:45, I will be sitting by my buddies, with my notepad and pen in hand, on the edge of my seat waiting to hear what all will be happening this year at school. I will go to my classroom and flip on the light, and spend hours rearranging instruments, creating seating charts, and thinking up some new and dynamic lesson plans. At lunchtime, I will enjoy conversations with colleagues about summertime and family vacations and who got what student in their class this year. Teaching is in my blood, and working at a school is in my bones. It is where I belong.

But still, there's Amelia...



...and my heart is breaking.

The Value of Friends

These are some of my lady friends at work who have kids. The other day, my friend Kristine (second to the right in the grey shirt) invited us all over for brunch. We had a blast watching the kids play, eating some delish food, and gabbing about all things back-to-school. It's so wonderful to have great friends at work to talk to, whether it's discussing an educational trend, or what we did last weekend. I am going to be relying heavily on these girls in the coming weeks for strength and support as I attempt to balance being a mom and a teacher.

Another friend that is not pictured here is Patty. Patty is more like a mom/friend than just a regular friend - she's my work mom. She left St. Paul's for a while, but will be back this year in the after school program, and I am so delighted I can hardly stand it. Patty is the kind of mom/friend that will tell you exactly what you need to hear in a loving but in-your-face way. We are a lot a like, and if you'd happen to overhear one of our conversations, you'd think we hated each other, what with all of the horribly dry sarcasm and curse words. But it's quite the opposite, actually - I love her more than anything - well, except for my own mom. :-)

I've had a couple of rough days at home, and Patty called me today. Do you have friends that always seem to call when you are about at the end of your rope? That's my Patty. I was thinking of someone I could call and spill my heart to, and she called me - it was kismet. She turned my day from drab and dreary to upbeat and joyful, all in a matter of minutes. I lo-o-ove her.

Everyone needs friends like these, but I know not everyone is as blessed as me to have them.

Thank you, God, for these amazing women.

HOLLA -

True Love

Conversation Ben and I had about the elderly parent of someone he knew being very ill.

BEN: If I ever get that sick when I'm old, just put me in a home.

ME: No way! I will never put you in one of those places. I wouldn't want you to put ME in a home. If I ever get that sick, just stick me in a kayak and push me out to sea.

BEN: (thinking)

BEN: (completely serious) But then after I did I would say, "Hey! That was a really nice kayak!"

ME: (long, cold stare)

BEN: (remorse, contemplative backtracking)

I Made the Squad!

The other night, I had a dream that I made the Chiefs Cheerleading squad. Woo! Where did that come from? I have no idea. Anyway, I was pretty excited. I got to go out on the field in this pretty, sparkly outfit, and dance dance dance! The only problem was, I didn't know any of the routines. Everybody else knew exactly where to go and what to do but me. I was Fa-reaking out. I was so afraid that the coach was going to kick me off the squad, so I just ran around asking all the other girls what to do.

This is very similar to another dream I have every so often, where I'm back at my high school auditorium. I am playing a big part in a musical, and it's opening night. Everyone is ready, in their costumes and places, and I realize that I don't have any of my lines memorized at all. It's a terrible dream, full of stress and anxiety. The weird part is that I never get to the performance. I never got to it in my cheerleading dream, either.

I wish I knew what this meant. I wonder if it's my anxiety about going back to school/work playing out. In just two weeks, we will be dropping Amelia off at daycare and I will be going back to St. Paul's. I am excited, nervous, sad, scared, joyful...just about every emotion you could think of that, all wrapped together, makes your stomach turn.

I have definitely discovered over this summer that I am not the "stay-at-home mom" type of gal. I love being home with Millie, but I just can't see myself doing it indefinitely. That being said, I'm sure I'll be a blubbering mess on the first day of school, counting down the hours until I can get in the car and rush to daycare to get that sweet baby and love all over her.

It's really just the fear of the unknown at this point, but I know we'll get into the swing of things so quickly, and our routine will be no sweat.

Until then, I guess I'll just keep having weird dreams.

I wonder if Chiefs Cheerleading auditions have started already....

SIKE!

HOLLA -

My Heart is in the Bedspread

I got a new bedspread the other day. We had a duvet and a beautiful duvet cover, but the duvet always slid around in the cover, even held by clips at the corners. Just about every time Ben would get in, he would curse it. "I hate this stupid duvet! I just want a normal bedspread!" Wish granted.



I found our new bedding set at Bed Bath and Beyond. It was beautiful. It had sheets, pillowcases, shams, a bedskirt, and even two decorative pillows! It matched our bedroom perfectly! And it was on clearance! And I had a coupon!


I brought it home and frantically washed all of the stuff. I couldn't just show Ben the bag, I had to have it all displayed for him when he got home. (Drama is my middle name, don't you know.) The sheets and pillowcases all came out fine, and then it was time for the comforter.

I started the water and added soap, and then I started shoving that queen-sized sucker in there. And I shoved. And I shoved. And then I realized that it was too big. But it was already soaked with soap and water, so I just kept shoving. I shut the lid and crossed my fingers, but in the back of my mind I knew what I had done was a reeeeaaaallly bad idea.

Half way through the wash, I checked on it. Half of it wasn't even wet. I tugged and pulled on it to get more of it down to the bottom, and shut the lid. Double dumb.

To make a long story short, by the time I pulled it out of the wash, shoved it in the dryer (which it also was too big for), and layed it on the bed, that bedspread was ruined. You couldn't tell too much with a quick glance, but there are tears all over it. And the batting is all jacked up.

I am sick.



We don't have a whole lot of money to throw around on household items, and the one time I splurge a little, I immediately mess the thing up.

It's been three days, and every time I look at it, I am still sick.

Dumb, dumb, dumb dumb dumb.



So, from this brilliant decision, I have learned some lessons:

1. Don't freaking stick stuff in the washing machine that doesn't fit.

2. Have patience. Nothing worthwhile ever gets done in a hurry.

3. Love yourself even when you make mistakes.

4. Luke 12:34. "For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also." In other words, don't put your joy in stuff. Stuff breaks. And gets stolen. And gets ripped in washing machines. In the grand scheme of life, stuff is really not as important as we think it is. After a while, we will throw this bedspread out and get a new one. Let's just hope I'll have enough sense to take that one to the cleaners.

(sigh.)

HOLLA -