Don't Give Up

It's Monday morning at the Haskamp house, and Amelia and I are trying to settle back in to our routine after a looong week at school and a weekend out of town. Last week was not my first week back at work, but it was my first week back with kids.

And it was one of the hardest weeks of my life.

I knew going back to work would be hard, but I didn't realize how one week of teaching would completely bring me to my knees. It was a combination of things, really - Amelia has learned to roll over, which means she is rolling over at night in her crib, so she wakes up in the middle of the night, rolls over to the edge of her crib, gets stuck, and screams for help. This can happen not once or twice, but many, many times. Some nights I just stop counting how many times it happens because if I add it all up I would cry...more than usual.

There were also a few late nights last week when I knew I should have just gone to bed, but instead stayed up doing this or that, or went places with friends, or got my hair recut, etc. etc. etc. which all led up to even more sleep deprivation at the end of the week.

On Friday morning, I woke up and got in and out of the shower just in time for Amelia to wake up. Her eating schedule is all wonky because she gets formula during the day, but I have still been breastfeeding her the rest of the time, so we are all having to readjust to when and how much she eats. I was all ready to breastfeed her after she woke up, but she wasn't hungry, which meant I had to pump, but I only had my hand pump at home, which sucks, which, when I tried to use it, wasn't working....

And I snapped. In a big way. As in, I lost it. I had a complete and total mental and physical breakdown. I threw my pump against the wall. Threw it. And then I went in my closet, laid down on the floor, curled up in a ball, and sobbed.



It was not pretty. In fact, I scared my husband, I was so upset. I finally pulled it together, but was so distraught and exhausted that I cried for the rest of the day. In between singing at chapel and teaching classes, of course. What a mess.

What I know is that I have discovered the place where lack of sleep meets sheer frustration, and as my friend Pam the chaplain at school said, "You start to make bad choices."

I'm scared about this, and frustrated. I just KNOW that there are so many moms out there making it through just fine, and I can barely make it through a week. I have every right to be tired from my first week of school and the adjustment that it brings, but still, I feel like a failure.

I am learning new things and filing them away, like how not to ignore my need for sleep, and how to say no to things, and how to react more calmly when things don't go well.

Each day, I am figuring it out. In the meantime, I'm pretty sure my family thinks I am going crazy. More often than not, I am struggling, and I know it worries them. Which worries me. Grrr.

So to the people of the world including my family, and most importantly, Amelia:

Please don't give up on me. This is the hardest mother freakin' thing I have ever done, and I'm treading water. When it comes to threatening to throw in the towel, I am the grand champion. But I can do this - I will figure it out and stand victorious in the face of motherhood. I must! I will!



YES I WILL!

HOLY HOLLA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!