New song obsession alert...
I L. O. V. E. this song. For a few weeks, I would go to bed singing it and wake up with the melody running through my head. I love what it means, and I love the way it sounds. I love the way the writer (NOT Miranda Lambert, unfortunately) dug deep inside his soul and found a place that was empty and could only be filled by his childhood. I printed off the words and downloaded the song just so I could figure out how to play it on the piano (I don't have a capo for my guitar so I had to settle for an alternative) and I DID!
SEGUE - I love figuring out how to play songs on the piano or guitar, and then asking Ben to come into the spare bedroom and hear my performance. Not only do I love singing and playing for him, because I know he really appreciates and likes it, I also know it IMPRESSES him. He will sit there so patiently and intently, and after I'm done, he'll say something like, "Wow - did you just figure out how to play that on your own?" And I will say, "YEP!" with a big grin on my face like a five-year-old who just scribbled a picture with crayons and showed it to a proud parent like it was a Van Gogh. And he will shake his head and say, "THAT'S NOT FAIR!" And it makes me giggle. :-)
Saturday, November 20, 2010
Fear and Love
Before I got pregnant, I always said that the pregnancy part would be soooooo easy - I would just sit around and incubate, and wait for this perfect little person to appear nine months later. How tough can it be? That baby is just in there cooking, and I would be as happy as a clam, knowing that my body was taking care of EVERYTHING.
It was the PARENTING (not the childbirth) that scared me. What happened when that baby came out and I was suddenly responsible for it? How would I handle the crying and the late-night feedings? How would I be able to set my own wants and desires and responsibilities aside to care for another human being? What if I didn't do a good job? What if they didn't WANT me as their mother? What if I suddenly realized that motherhood was not for ME????
I'm here to tell you, the tides have turned.
First of all, let me say that I thank God every day for being pregnant. There is nothing that I wanted more than to experience the growth of life inside me. Sometimes I just sit and cry (okay, more like sob) in thanksgiving and humility to the Giver of this blessing. My heart aches with appreciation for this gift that we have received. If I spent every day, all day, on my knees thanking God for this miracle we have been praying for for soooooo long, it would never be enough.
But pregnancy is stinkin' hard.
I can't poop. I can't sleep. I can't eat what I REALLY want, and I'm hungry. ALL THE TIME. I go to bed each night with a growling stomach that will eventually lead to my stomach revolting against me in the morning. My first trimester morning sickness has turned into second trimester morning sickness. I get leg cramps in the middle of the night because I can no longer lay on my back, which I'm now realizing was my primary sleeping position BEFORE I got pregnant. I am crabby and grouchy, and suddenly have no filter for what comes out of my mouth. It's rare if I don't spout out some bitchy comment to someone at work at least ONCE a day. I have had puke experiences that would make the worst diaper explosion look like a sweet dream. I am not even kidding you - I can't even write about it on here because reliving them is too unbearable.
And yet...
I cannot WAIT to hold this baby. Just thinking about him or her actually BEING here, in my arms, for me to hold and love and stare at, is the most exciting feeling I have ever felt in my life. I cannot WAIT to be a mom. The best part is, I actually BELIEVE I can do it now, and that I will actually do a good job! Each day that my belly grows, so does my confidence. Slowly, the fear that consumed me is being replaced by this indescribable love for the child that is growing inside me. I'm starting to feel this invincible sort of power that I am guessing only moms can experience.
I'm not saying it won't be hard, but I know that, no matter what happens, I can handle it.
So pregnancy, I will endure you. I won't let you take me down, because I know what is waiting for me, and it is worth every restless night, fit of indigestion, and upset stomach.
And baby, hang on, because we are in for the ride of our lives.
I CAN'T WAIT.
HOLLA -
It was the PARENTING (not the childbirth) that scared me. What happened when that baby came out and I was suddenly responsible for it? How would I handle the crying and the late-night feedings? How would I be able to set my own wants and desires and responsibilities aside to care for another human being? What if I didn't do a good job? What if they didn't WANT me as their mother? What if I suddenly realized that motherhood was not for ME????
I'm here to tell you, the tides have turned.
First of all, let me say that I thank God every day for being pregnant. There is nothing that I wanted more than to experience the growth of life inside me. Sometimes I just sit and cry (okay, more like sob) in thanksgiving and humility to the Giver of this blessing. My heart aches with appreciation for this gift that we have received. If I spent every day, all day, on my knees thanking God for this miracle we have been praying for for soooooo long, it would never be enough.
But pregnancy is stinkin' hard.
I can't poop. I can't sleep. I can't eat what I REALLY want, and I'm hungry. ALL THE TIME. I go to bed each night with a growling stomach that will eventually lead to my stomach revolting against me in the morning. My first trimester morning sickness has turned into second trimester morning sickness. I get leg cramps in the middle of the night because I can no longer lay on my back, which I'm now realizing was my primary sleeping position BEFORE I got pregnant. I am crabby and grouchy, and suddenly have no filter for what comes out of my mouth. It's rare if I don't spout out some bitchy comment to someone at work at least ONCE a day. I have had puke experiences that would make the worst diaper explosion look like a sweet dream. I am not even kidding you - I can't even write about it on here because reliving them is too unbearable.
And yet...
I cannot WAIT to hold this baby. Just thinking about him or her actually BEING here, in my arms, for me to hold and love and stare at, is the most exciting feeling I have ever felt in my life. I cannot WAIT to be a mom. The best part is, I actually BELIEVE I can do it now, and that I will actually do a good job! Each day that my belly grows, so does my confidence. Slowly, the fear that consumed me is being replaced by this indescribable love for the child that is growing inside me. I'm starting to feel this invincible sort of power that I am guessing only moms can experience.
I'm not saying it won't be hard, but I know that, no matter what happens, I can handle it.
So pregnancy, I will endure you. I won't let you take me down, because I know what is waiting for me, and it is worth every restless night, fit of indigestion, and upset stomach.
And baby, hang on, because we are in for the ride of our lives.
I CAN'T WAIT.
HOLLA -
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
The Invention of L.B.
So no, we are not finding out what this baby is. I am THRILLED about this. I always thought I would want to know, because I am one heck of a planner. But Ben talked me out of it, and with the baby name/sex surprises we have already had in my family, it's just a no-brainer.
So what do you call a baby that has no sex or name? L.B., of course!
It's no secret that we want a stinky, ornery, rough-housing, muddy little boy. There are no boys on my side, and on Ben's side, everyone has had boy-girl-boy-girl, so we'd like to stick with the pattern. :-) I had an older brother, so a boy first seems natural to me, and I've always pictured myself as a momma to a bunch of boys. Don't get me wrong - girls are great, and I love them. For some reason, though, having little boys just feels right in my bones.
On the day we found out we were expecting, I was wearing a khaki skirt and a baby blue and white-striped shirt, and Ben was wearing a baby blue work shirt and khaki pants. IT WAS A SIGN!!!! Since we were thinking "boy", we started calling our miracle "Little Blue".
When we went camping with my parents a few weeks ago, my mom was talking about Little Blue, and she started referring to him (or her!) as L.B. I loved it, it was easy to say, and so....it stuck.
So on my Facebook, or on this blog, if you read about L.B., now you know who I'm talking about.
And just so I won't look back on this blog and kick myself 7 months from now, I LOVE little girls and I would LOVE to have one. :-) :-) :-)
(but my fingers are crossed for that stinkin' boy.)
HOLLA -
So what do you call a baby that has no sex or name? L.B., of course!
It's no secret that we want a stinky, ornery, rough-housing, muddy little boy. There are no boys on my side, and on Ben's side, everyone has had boy-girl-boy-girl, so we'd like to stick with the pattern. :-) I had an older brother, so a boy first seems natural to me, and I've always pictured myself as a momma to a bunch of boys. Don't get me wrong - girls are great, and I love them. For some reason, though, having little boys just feels right in my bones.
On the day we found out we were expecting, I was wearing a khaki skirt and a baby blue and white-striped shirt, and Ben was wearing a baby blue work shirt and khaki pants. IT WAS A SIGN!!!! Since we were thinking "boy", we started calling our miracle "Little Blue".
When we went camping with my parents a few weeks ago, my mom was talking about Little Blue, and she started referring to him (or her!) as L.B. I loved it, it was easy to say, and so....it stuck.
So on my Facebook, or on this blog, if you read about L.B., now you know who I'm talking about.
And just so I won't look back on this blog and kick myself 7 months from now, I LOVE little girls and I would LOVE to have one. :-) :-) :-)
(but my fingers are crossed for that stinkin' boy.)
HOLLA -
Monday, October 25, 2010
An Apology
Dear Target Lady,
I am sorry that I yelled at you the other day. I'm sure you had no idea when you came to work last Wednesday that you would be called out by an insane pregnant woman. Not that there's any excuse for my behavior, but let me tell you what happened:
I was all excited about getting to go out to dinner on the Plaza with my best friend from high school. Of course, I wanted to see her, but the thought of eating my favorite meal (Cajun Chicken Littles) at my favorite restaurant (starts with Cheesecake, ends with Factory) made me giddy all day long. Then, my high school bf bailed on me. It wasn't her fault - something with her childcare fell through. Anyway, this slight change in plans put me in an emotional tailspin for the rest of the evening. Ben was going to be at work all night, and I was left to fend for myself for dinner, which to a normal person is not a big deal, but to a pregnant person whose cupboards are bare and who's cravings are more unpredictable than the sex of her baby, it's not okay. So I eat some edamame at home, then schlop to Target for some....I don't even remember.
Bad mood, shopping at Target. Get my stuff, get a new dress for my music program the next day (admitted mood lifter) and get in line. Only two lights on, three cashiers. I stand in a "lit" line, and watch the lady in front of me tell the cashier which bags to separate her 50 items into. As my hair is turning gray, the cashier with NO light on (Yes, that's YOU, Target lady) is running customers through like the Daytona 500. I stand and watch, curious as to why her light is not on if she's "available". The fair person in me says not to go over there, because her light is not on. This is somehow against my religion. Eventually, though, I get fed up with picky lady in front of me, and go to the lane with no light on.
Wouldn't you know, as soon as I get over there, you tell me, "I'm closed." WHAT THE $(%*%&^*($()$???????? I just watched you check out about 10 people while your light was off!!!! (Don't you remember me telling you that?!?!?!) Yes, my ugly face and voice came out with a vengeance. I don't recall ever talking to a stranger that way, but it happened, and I can't take it back.
After I made my way back to the "lit" line, which now had about two more people taking my place, the tears began to swell. "DON'T CRY AT TARGET. DON'T CRY AT TARGET," I tell myself. Get it together, basketcase. I check out (finally) and go to the car, where I proceed to cry as I drive around looking for something to eat. I am so distraught, I drive my pregnant butt through McDonald's, where I proceed to order a double cheeseburger and fries, and a water. All the way home, I beat myself up about feeding such complete crap to my growing fetus. I get home, plop down on the couch, stuff my face, cry even HARDER, as Steel Magnolias is on, and it happens to be the saddest part of the movie.
Eat, Cry, Sulk. Eat, Cry, Sulk.
Then, as if things couldn't get any worse....they do.
I lose it. My lunch, that is. Toss my cookies. Pray to the porcelain gods. Barf up about $5.00 right into the toilet. Awesome.
So you see, Target Lady, you weren't the only reason my Wednesday could not have sucked WORSE. You were just a simple chain in the link of unfortunate events that led me to mark THAT day as one of the worst days of the emotional roller coaster I like to call "Growing a Person".
I hope you accept my apology.
I am sorry that I yelled at you the other day. I'm sure you had no idea when you came to work last Wednesday that you would be called out by an insane pregnant woman. Not that there's any excuse for my behavior, but let me tell you what happened:
I was all excited about getting to go out to dinner on the Plaza with my best friend from high school. Of course, I wanted to see her, but the thought of eating my favorite meal (Cajun Chicken Littles) at my favorite restaurant (starts with Cheesecake, ends with Factory) made me giddy all day long. Then, my high school bf bailed on me. It wasn't her fault - something with her childcare fell through. Anyway, this slight change in plans put me in an emotional tailspin for the rest of the evening. Ben was going to be at work all night, and I was left to fend for myself for dinner, which to a normal person is not a big deal, but to a pregnant person whose cupboards are bare and who's cravings are more unpredictable than the sex of her baby, it's not okay. So I eat some edamame at home, then schlop to Target for some....I don't even remember.
Bad mood, shopping at Target. Get my stuff, get a new dress for my music program the next day (admitted mood lifter) and get in line. Only two lights on, three cashiers. I stand in a "lit" line, and watch the lady in front of me tell the cashier which bags to separate her 50 items into. As my hair is turning gray, the cashier with NO light on (Yes, that's YOU, Target lady) is running customers through like the Daytona 500. I stand and watch, curious as to why her light is not on if she's "available". The fair person in me says not to go over there, because her light is not on. This is somehow against my religion. Eventually, though, I get fed up with picky lady in front of me, and go to the lane with no light on.
Wouldn't you know, as soon as I get over there, you tell me, "I'm closed." WHAT THE $(%*%&^*($()$???????? I just watched you check out about 10 people while your light was off!!!! (Don't you remember me telling you that?!?!?!) Yes, my ugly face and voice came out with a vengeance. I don't recall ever talking to a stranger that way, but it happened, and I can't take it back.
After I made my way back to the "lit" line, which now had about two more people taking my place, the tears began to swell. "DON'T CRY AT TARGET. DON'T CRY AT TARGET," I tell myself. Get it together, basketcase. I check out (finally) and go to the car, where I proceed to cry as I drive around looking for something to eat. I am so distraught, I drive my pregnant butt through McDonald's, where I proceed to order a double cheeseburger and fries, and a water. All the way home, I beat myself up about feeding such complete crap to my growing fetus. I get home, plop down on the couch, stuff my face, cry even HARDER, as Steel Magnolias is on, and it happens to be the saddest part of the movie.
Eat, Cry, Sulk. Eat, Cry, Sulk.
Then, as if things couldn't get any worse....they do.
I lose it. My lunch, that is. Toss my cookies. Pray to the porcelain gods. Barf up about $5.00 right into the toilet. Awesome.
So you see, Target Lady, you weren't the only reason my Wednesday could not have sucked WORSE. You were just a simple chain in the link of unfortunate events that led me to mark THAT day as one of the worst days of the emotional roller coaster I like to call "Growing a Person".
I hope you accept my apology.
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
More of the story...
Well, I am exhausted and have a headache, but Ben's doing laundry, and the Goonies are on, and a stupid skeleton I'm trying to make glow in the dark for my music program this week is NOT working, and the sink full of dishes is staring me down, so what better time than now to blog? :-) :-) :-)
I've opted against narration, instead choosing a "Q & A" type of format. Here we go:
When did you find out? AUGUST 27th
How did you find out? I TOOK A TEST AFTER I GOT HOME FROM SCHOOL THAT DAY. IT WAS A GENERIC DIGITAL TEST FROM CVS, AND IT TOOK LESS THAN A MINUTE TO POP UP "POSITIVE!"
How did you tell Ben? I PUT THE TEST STICK IN MY PURSE AND ASKED HIM TO GET IT OUT WHEN HE GOT HOME. I TOLD HIM I NEEDED A "PEN", BUT THE TEST WAS THE ONLY THING IN THERE! STILL, IT TOOK HIM A FEW SECONDS TO CATCH ON. :-)
How long did it take you? THREE LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONG YEARS.
What kind of treatment were you doing? NOTHING - NOTHING AT ALL. :-) (I will write more on this later.)
How far along are you? ABOUT 12 1/2 WEEKS.
When are you due? YESTERDAY, MY DR. SAID APRIL 27TH, BUT I'M BETTING IT'LL BE LATER THAN THAT. (WHAT DO I KNOW?)
How have you been feeling? LIKE SH*T.
Ummm...what else....Are you going to find out the sex? NO. WE LIKE SURPRISES!!!!
Okay, that's all I can think of right now. If you have any more questions, feel free to ask, and I'll answer them.
This is so much fun to write about..... :-)
HOLLA!
I've opted against narration, instead choosing a "Q & A" type of format. Here we go:
When did you find out? AUGUST 27th
How did you find out? I TOOK A TEST AFTER I GOT HOME FROM SCHOOL THAT DAY. IT WAS A GENERIC DIGITAL TEST FROM CVS, AND IT TOOK LESS THAN A MINUTE TO POP UP "POSITIVE!"
How did you tell Ben? I PUT THE TEST STICK IN MY PURSE AND ASKED HIM TO GET IT OUT WHEN HE GOT HOME. I TOLD HIM I NEEDED A "PEN", BUT THE TEST WAS THE ONLY THING IN THERE! STILL, IT TOOK HIM A FEW SECONDS TO CATCH ON. :-)
How long did it take you? THREE LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONG YEARS.
What kind of treatment were you doing? NOTHING - NOTHING AT ALL. :-) (I will write more on this later.)
How far along are you? ABOUT 12 1/2 WEEKS.
When are you due? YESTERDAY, MY DR. SAID APRIL 27TH, BUT I'M BETTING IT'LL BE LATER THAN THAT. (WHAT DO I KNOW?)
How have you been feeling? LIKE SH*T.
Ummm...what else....Are you going to find out the sex? NO. WE LIKE SURPRISES!!!!
Okay, that's all I can think of right now. If you have any more questions, feel free to ask, and I'll answer them.
This is so much fun to write about..... :-)
HOLLA!
Saturday, October 16, 2010
Drumroll Please....
This is the reason I haven't been blogging.
Instead, I have been puking. And taking naps. And eating every 30 minutes. And puking. And crying. And dreaming. And sleeping. And disbelieving. (Is that a word?)
And last but not least, puking.
I have about 100 blog posts on this topic, but for today, I'll leave you with this glorious miracle of a picture, because it is enough.
:-)
HAPPY HOLLA -
Instead, I have been puking. And taking naps. And eating every 30 minutes. And puking. And crying. And dreaming. And sleeping. And disbelieving. (Is that a word?)
And last but not least, puking.
I have about 100 blog posts on this topic, but for today, I'll leave you with this glorious miracle of a picture, because it is enough.
:-)
HAPPY HOLLA -
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
Wordy Wednesday
The Merriam-Webster word of the day is "kismet". Up until a few years ago, I had never even HEARD of this expression, let alone knew what it meant. Take a look:
http://www.merriam-webster.com/word-of-the-day/
My mom's old boss used to say this in reference to their relationship...that's the first I'd heard of it. Then the other day, Oprah said it when talking to Harry Potter author J.K. Rowling. I guess if Oprah's saying it, it must be gold. :-)
Here's my attempt to use Wednesday's word of the day in a sentence:
Elise and me moving into the apartment in Maryville was pure KISMET - that's how Kurt and I met.
-or-
Who could explain how my fall wardrobe needed updating just when the New York and Company coupon arrived in the mail? It must have been KISMET.
Try it yourself in a sentence today. As a matter of fact, if you've got a good one, feel free to share.
HOLLA -
http://www.merriam-webster.com/word-of-the-day/
My mom's old boss used to say this in reference to their relationship...that's the first I'd heard of it. Then the other day, Oprah said it when talking to Harry Potter author J.K. Rowling. I guess if Oprah's saying it, it must be gold. :-)
Here's my attempt to use Wednesday's word of the day in a sentence:
Elise and me moving into the apartment in Maryville was pure KISMET - that's how Kurt and I met.
-or-
Who could explain how my fall wardrobe needed updating just when the New York and Company coupon arrived in the mail? It must have been KISMET.
Try it yourself in a sentence today. As a matter of fact, if you've got a good one, feel free to share.
HOLLA -
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